Spam, HR and Other Stuff

I get SO SICK of SPAM in my inbox. For real, man. I get more fucking spam than anyone really should. To this end, I’d like all 4 of you to go to Spam Cop right this minute and set up an anti-spam account. It’s free and it is the only way, I’m convinced, to stop the fucking spam. Spam Cop sends the offending server address to ORBS for tracking – and baby, those folks don’t screw around. If you get in their database, you get booted from more mail exchanges than you can count. Just remember, tho, to go to hotmail.com and set up a dummy account (blah@usa.net) for all those spam notices to go to, lest you end up getting the anti-spam stuff sent back to you! That sort of defeats the purpose. Besides, it’s best to associate a dummy account with the spam reports so the pissed off ISPs that have been put on notice can’t boot *you* from their domains. Yes, I’ve had it happen to me. I sent a spam report to the assholes at home.com and they reported me as a spammer and blocked my domain from their mail servers. Buttlickers! Trust me, get a dummy account. They got a decent free counter for yer pages over at usa.net, too. It’s called nedstat basic . I use it on many of my sites, but not this one, cuz it throws errors if I use the code. Anyway…

HR and marketing people are the most useless bunch of employees on the planet. These are the people who have no discernible talent for any task, but companies hire them because they think that they need to have Marketing and HR departments. I always find it amazing that HR people who by definition must deal with resumes every single day, are the ones who cannot open a single file that they are sent. They are so computer illiterate that they are baffled by any attachment that is not a Word 2000 document. Too funny. Marketing people are the same, but at least they are not required to deal with attachments and such as a part of their job! And let’s not even get into Recruiters and temp agencies. These people are such losers that they (with a straight face) expect you to find candidates for jobs for them, cuz they have absolutely no clue about what they are hiring for in the first place. Total morons, no sense of propriety at all. Especially ThinkJobs! Those people are not only stupid and rude, but they have illusions of grandeur on top of all that. They are such jerks that they had to change the name of the company to get rid of the ill will they had bred! They used to be ATS and they sucked then, just like they suck now.

I am taking the aforementioned creativity class, you know. It’s all women except for Nick and about half of them are pretty fucked up. Lots of eating disorders and self esteem issues. I don’t really care for the class itself, but I am enjoying the ‘homework’ and the journalling. It does take away from here, IMHO, but I think I can keep up both. It’s not that I dislike anyone in the class (I truly do NOT) but I feel that I’m waaaay too normal (read: happy) to hang out with some of them. And I don’t feel creatively blocked. I have been blocked for most of my life, but all that changed when I met Nicholas and my second chakra just blew right open. I am in this class for several reasons, but not for blocked-ness. I am in it to see what others do for fun, to see what may pop out of *me*, to see if it helps Nicholas get past his block and just for plain old fun. I have no problems doing any of the stuff and I take Artist Dates all the time, so that’s nothing new, either. When I go shopping for food, or clothes or whatever, it’s an outing for my child. She loves to shop! I have lots of free time, so I can do what I want, when I want. This freedom has allowed me to explore my creative child and let her ‘out’ to run rampant whenever. I think this is part of the problem for Nicholas. Being trapped in a 40 hour work week really cramps the style of one’s creative child and finding time to play is hard. It is a challenge for me to give him time alone at night, when all I want to do is hang out with him, but it has to happen and it will. He’s doing his thing tonite, actually.

I have had a most abundant couple of weeks! We’ve done the work for Wolfbrook and I’ve been busy with support calls. We sold 2, yes, 2 Powerbooks this week and Nicholas got a $1.75 per hour raise, which translates to $280 extra a month. I am blown away by and grateful for such wonderful abundance! Note to Universe: thanks and send more!!

Synchronicities are afoot this week as well. I was thinking about Allen and Dani for a couple of days when Allen showed up on my doorstep yesterday! It was very cool to see him after many months! And another small one is that we needed some wine glasses and they had them at the Dollar Store when I was there. I suppose all the money falling on my head right now could be a synchronicity, too, but I truly hope that it will continue on this way indefinitely, if not more so! I am ordering a CASE of those money candles! I bought one on a whim and started burning it in my good fortune feng shui corner and BAM! now money is coming from everywhere! Coincidence? I think not! heh heh

That’s it for now. Abundance is everywhere, you just have to accept it.

Unspoken Truths

Today, I got a good sign. I pulled the Unlimited Potential card from the Medicine Deck at the Center. I’m thrilled to get this kudo and I certainly hope that the good karma will carry over to my business meeting tomorrow with the Logo People (Wolfbrook). These are the new clients that contracted us a couple of weeks ago.

So, all’s well with that, they love the logo, they’ve signed the letter of agreement and I expect to be $450 richer on Saturday. Much needed money, of course. Me and my money karma, you know…

This is from the last Rant: “I found myself angrily writing an email to him, so I printed it…” As my friends know, I’m not much for sitting on my feelings or holding back my objections if I feel the need to Rant. I get very antsy if I have the feeling that there are unspoken resentments floating around. Like now. I feel there are unspoken resentments with some of my close friends (you know who you are). Not that I *want* there to be, mind you, but I get the feeling that I’ve said something along the way that has brought up some sort of objection. Of course, I could be totally wrong and just having a paranoid fugue or something… If so, then the feeling will pass and I’ll forget about it.

I wish that I could be totally laid back and unconcerned about life’s little injustices and inequities, but I just can’t. It’s just not in me to sit back and let it all go. Like, for instance, this whole email problem that I had with NameSecure last week. Sure, I could have just kept calling Customer Service and sitting in the hold queue for hours, but I just don’t work that way. I did my own tech support, found the cause of the error, contacted the people in charge of the hardware that gave the error and got it fixed, ALL before NameSecure could even figure out who was in charge of the department that handled email problems!!

Naturally, I had to file a Better Business Bureau report about all of this, just like I did for the Airborne Express clusterfuck the week before. I don’t feel guilty about filing complaints. I truly feel that if *everyone* would complain about shitty service, then we’d have a lot less of it. I think that poor customer service has come from apathetic customers who just take it, rather than speak up about it. After all, it does take some effort to gather up your complaint and write it down and then send or email it to the proper department or the BBB. But it’s worth the effort! I got a call from the Office of the President of Airborne Express about my complaint and I’m very happy to report that the asshole who treated me badly has lost his position because of it. So THERE!

Also from last time, [the woman who wouldn’t make a decision until her hubby gave the OK]: “We were discussing a trade for services: a small website designed by me in exchange for 2 passes to a class that she teaches.” Well, she got the gumption to do the site. I’m happy that she is going to do it and I can take the creativity class, too. The Respect Meter ™ is still low, but I feel better about her ability to learn how to stand up for herself.

Back to the theme of unspoken truths. If you feel something to be true, then why not speak it? Why not throw it out there for perusal and make it real? I’ll never understand the logic of only acknowledging your true feelings as long as they are secret. (?) I know I’m an exhibitionist (in more ways that one!) and I have found my niche here with semi-public blogging and I know that it’s truly not for everyone. But I also know that speaking your mind is very cleansing. It also makes what you think a reality. I try very hard to not harbour little bullshit grievances. I either say them or I eliminate them totally [usually by dreaming it or visualizing it then letting it go].

“I’m glad to be a bitchy feminist!” Umm, yep, I’m still running with this. It works for me. :-)

Agony and Ecstasy

Well, perhaps not quite that dramatic, but definitely a week for the books!

Actually, I’ll have to back up to the trip to KnoxVegas for Labor Day weekend to give the full effect of my whirlwind week. Anyway, Andy and I went up to visit my family for a few days to get the rest of our stuff and let Andy say goodbye to my family since we are no longer in the same relationship as we have been for 8 years. It was difficult, but it went well.

We get back here on Wednesday and I find messages from old clients and my soon-to-be-new one, so I had to hit the ground running. I was emotionally tired and kinda sickly from the trip, and I was not really in the mood to be pushed, ya know? So, I get everything under control and call Nick the next day to find out what he’s done for the presentation that we have on Saturday, only 2 days away. He’s done nothing. So we proceed to have a little verbal scuffle and hang up. He did the work.

I found myself angrily writing an email to him, so I printed it instead and gave it to him on Friday. We had our first fight! It was a good, fair fight and it has helped us immensely. So ends the Agony part.

Now for the Ecstasy part!

On Saturday, Nick and I gave our little informal presentation and landed the job. WOW! We are doing a logo/ID system for a small dog training facility in Alpharetta. Our first ‘real’ gig as a team! It’s not a huge chunk of money, but it’s pretty big to us and we are thrilled. We were whooping and hollering as we drove away from the client’s house. I’m still not sure it’s all real. It’s just too good to be true! The new American Dream: doing what you love and getting paid for it. Yeah, baby, YEAH!

Here it is, Tuesday, and I’m still all aglow.

On a different note, I met a woman today who epitomizes the powerless little girl syndrome. She started me thinking about feminist things and I realized that I’m much more of a feminist than I’d realized! Heh, imagine that! We were discussing a trade for services: a small website designed by me in exchange for 2 passes to a creativity class that she teaches. She starts off with “Well, my husband doesn’t think I should do this.” (?) I ask her why and she says that he thinks that they should do it themselves so she doesn’t spend money on the design. Keep in mind that this is TRADE we’re talking about here! I point this out and ask her if her husband runs her business, to which she titters, “oh, NO, not really”. It went downhill from there. She is obviously a subbie to her husband, and this comment almost made me laugh out loud, she said: “I have problems voicing my opinions”. No, really? Ya think?

I immediately lost all respect for her. I know we [womyn] should all stick together and all that, but damn, I just can’t respect women like that. I can’t respect anyone like that. I know I’m a hell bitch and all, but I’ve reigned in my outspoken nature as much as I can for this life! Meeting women like this one just makes me feel like I should be even more recalcitrant to make up for the ones who are doormats like her. I’m too indignant as it is.

Our meeting ended with her giving me disclaimers about how great her husband is in the same breath that she’d given me a list of stuff not to say if I talk to him! I advised her to talk to him herself since I was definitely too aggressive of a woman to deal with a man who is used to ‘nice’ girls like she is. Can’t you just see it?? This insecure asshole of a guy getting in my face about how much Macs suck and how great Front Page is, then ME telling him to get fucked!! Oh, yeah, that’d be a show alright! As much as I’d adore flaying him, I think the Nice Girl would just die.

I met another woman lately that just floored me with her self loathing and below zero self esteem. She only dates those really cute assholey guys who are brazenly misogynistic and like to hit. But, OH, they are so pretty. Oh, yeah, what a PRIZE. Gawd, I’m glad to be a bitchy feminist! At least I can look at myself in the mirror and be empowered enough to run my own life! My lovers may not be models, but they are guaranteed to be of a strong constitution and good sense, cuz I don’t pull any punches and I will NOT take any bullshit. I wish there were more women like me out there. Bitches of the world UNITE!

You Can Pick Your Nose…

…but you can’t pick your family.

My family and I haven’t had much to do with each other in a long time. It’s not that I hate them or anything, it’s just that I can’t live my life the way they do. And I can’t live in Knoxville, TN, either. They’ve never forgiven me for that.

Most of the time we have a truce situation: don’t ask, don’t tell. They don’t ask about my personal business and I don’t tell them anything about myself. Hey, it works for us, OK? They are conservative, bigoted and narrow minded people with whom I have nothing in common and it’s best if we don’t try to compare notes about how we live our lives, lest we break our truce and begin the Cold War again.

To give an example of this tenuous hold we have on civility and the gulf that separates us, let me tell you a bit about a conversation that I had with my mother today. But first, I suppose I should give a little background on what the family (that would be them, not me) is going through right now. My brother got a girl knocked up about 4 years ago and didn’t tell anyone until the baby was born in 1997. A paternity test confirmed his responsibility and he decided to take in this girl as well as her other illegitimate child, whose father is a drug dealer currently doing time. Yeah, a real NICE girl fer sure. Anyway, she takes him for a ride for about 2.5 years and almost bankrupts him by supporting the rest of her white trash family with his money and now she and my brother are in a custody battle for the child. My brother is currently losing the battle due to the courts’ predisposition to place children with the mother (no matter HOW white trash she is) and the added problem of a sibling that the system is loathe to separate the child from (no matter how neurotic and damaged that sibling is).

OK, so that’s the background of the situation. So, I get a call from my mother this morning with all the latest scoopage about the custody suit and this is sort of how it goes:

Mom: …and I thought you’d want to know that your name came up in the paperwork from Janell [that’s the white trash’s name -Ed].

ME: oh yeah? In what way? This has nothing to do with me!

Mom: Well, she said that you were a devil worshiper and uh…well…

ME: [laughing] And what? Do you think I care what that white trash says about me?

Mom: [concerned tone] Well, it was in the papers and she said you had a devil worship website…

ME: [not laughing anymore] So? Do you believe her or something? I don’t like your tone! Websites are public, Mother. If you don’t believe me, then go and look at everything I have up. Just because you and the rest of the people up there have no clue about the internet is no reason to insinuate anything about me!

Mom: [still a concerned tone] I’m not, it’s just that she is saying this stuff and it’s about you and uh…

ME: Why would I care? Why do YOU care? She has accused everybody up there of something at this point! She is just a malicious bitch who knows absolutely nothing about me. I don’t know why this concerns you. It certainly doesn’t concern me.

Mom: I just wanted you to know…

And the conversation goes on about other stuff after that. But it certainly left a sour taste in my mouth. I’m disturbed that my mother would even *think* such a thing about me. Hell, I’m disturbed that she has so little knowledge about me and my life. It saddens me to realize that I’m so alien to my own family, but I don’t see how it’ll ever change, either.

I must admit that I was biting my tongue in half with the effort it took to not say something smart assed like “well just because I dance naked in the back yard and sacrifice goats doesn’t mean I’m a devil worshiper”. Geez, the stuff those people think! And as for Janell, she is just acting like the white trash that she is. She is a cunt for turning on me in the first place! I was the only person in my family that gave her the benefit of the doubt when all this shit began and this is the thanks I get. I’m so glad that karma will take care of her in due time. She is a pathetic excuse for a mother and for an incarnate being. [Update 2013: Karma did in fact take care of her. She was murdered! I kid you not. Karma’s a bitch, baby.]

I sincerely hope that my brother gets a decent custody settlement. He deserves it. And I hope my family can open up enough to get to know me one day. Maybe one day we can all be friends. [Doubtful – 2013]

Sour Girl

I often wonder what the hell is going on. I’m talking about the large, economy sized sense of “What the HELL is going ON?“, not the small, travel sized one. The last couple of weeks have been by turns, very good, very bad and very surreal. I’ve had flashes of insight and neurotic collapse. I’ve had the agony and the ecstasy, the hangover and the bloody finger. Gawd!

Let us start with the bad – just to get it over with, shall we? OK. I had two emotionally fucked up days this week. Two weeks ago, I’d spent the weekend in KnoxVegas with the freakin’ family. That is most always a bummer. I got paid for some work I did, but the money is already spent and I’ve no idea where next month’s rent is gonna come from. Goddammit. I made a fabulous client contact: dropped everything, ran over there, fixed his computer with the hope of more work, but nooooooo, no more work for me. Goddammit. OH, but I am “the official Mac Chick”. Great, that and $600 will pay the fucking rent. Nick cut the hell out of his fingers on Sunday and after ungracefully passing out on the couch, I hauled him to the hospital. Damn good thing he wasn’t hemorrhaging, since I can’t keep vertical during a fucking crisis. Goddammit. I’m such a pussy!! Thanks to Dr. Andy for not being a pussy and helping with Nick.

Now the surreal parts. Realizing that Andy really is moving away. Not having the sound of FlowMasters any more. Noticing that nothing has been sorted or packed for Andy’s impending move. Having large amounts of separation anxiety about all this. Realizing how much I’ll miss Hobbes’ belly sessions. Being called a fiancée. Discovering, unsurprisingly, that I’ll have no money for rent and having absolutely NO CLUE what to do. Which leads the next discovery of how much I’ve become assimilated into the world according to Andy and Angie. Hearing lots of scientific information fall from my lips. Seeing the true nature of my relationship with Andy and feeling very, very sad about having to change all that. Feeling hope that we’ll hook up again in the Bay area and have dinner at least once a month. At least.

Oh, God. I guess that sort of overlaps the bad parts… It must, otherwise, why would I be so upset?

It’s hard to find the good parts after that, but if I don’t, I may just break down entirely and totally ruin Andy’s work session. So, onward to the good parts. The trip home was not as bad as I thought it’d be. The family responded well to the news that Andy and I are “revamping” our relationship. I felt a glimmer of support from my mother, of all people. I got support from my Granny and my Daddy. I’ve eaten out a lot. I’ve taken time out for myself. I’ve realized how much I’ve influenced the lives of those I love. Both for good and bad. And how it’s changed me. I’ve laughed a lot. I’m finally convinced that Andy and I will stay in touch. I’ve done nice things for my friends. I’ve shared some really great moments with Andy. I’ve shared some quality time with Nicholas. I’ve enjoyed the sound of kitties purring. I’ve been the recipient of some powerful mojo from my newly discovered healer: Nicholas. I had a really fun drunk with Andy.

I am such a lucky girl to have two such totally awesome men in my life. And such an emotional wreck! I’ve been hearing the song “Sour Girl” by STP a dozen times a day and I can’t help but see the correlation to my life and how Andy must feel now:

“She turned away
what was she lookin’ at?
She was a sour girl
the day that she met me.
Don’t turn away-
what was she lookin’ at?
She was a happy girl
the day that she left me.
Hey, what are you lookin’ at?
She was so happy on the day that she left me, the day that she left me, the day that she left me…”

I feel like I was a sour girl for a long time and now I’m not. And I’m a happy girl just as I’m leaving Andy. God, I’m a wreck. What in the blue fuck am I supposed to do to get through this? That trazadone in my medicine cabinet is sounding better and better…

But don’t worry, my dears. I’m not in a depression, I’m just blathering and whining. I’ve decided “what the fuck?” I may as well just blab this stuff here as anywhere. At least I can get it all out. And I feel that I really need to get it OUT. So there it is. Send your complaints to the management.