Even More

I just finished a book I’ve been reading by Elizabeth Berg called “The Pull of the Moon”. It is about a 50 year old woman’s search for self, but it’s really about every woman’s search. Maybe every human’s search. It is beautifully written and extremely insightful about how women are ‘trained’ to behave and how it shuts us down emotionally. Perfect timing for me, eh? I’ve been thinking so much about my emotional state and trying to get to the ‘real’ me lately…

It’s funny. I’ve always considered myself a late bloomer in many ways: shoe tying, bicycle riding, going to college, falling in love. But now I think it’s because I have always been so far *ahead* in the way I think and feel. I was feeling teenager stuff (angst, dramatic suicide, parental disgust) when I was in fifth and sixth grade! I was 11 or 12. By the time High School was ending, I was so OVER it. I was past it. I had BEEN past it for a couple of years.

Perhaps that is just another part of my dichotomous nature. I seem to be fraught with opposites that I cannot smooth into a whole.

I took a road trip about 3 years ago. I drove from Atlanta to San Francisco. It was supposed to be a walkabout, but now I think it was just a precursor to my real walkabout. I feel that I have MUCH more to learn about who I am. I know everyone does, but this feels like a real turning point for me. An early mid-life crisis, if you will. I suppose this is apropos, seeing as how I seem to be mentally and emotionally out of sync with my chronological age.

On the one hand, no one believes me when I tell them how old I am — I seem much younger (purple hair tends to throw people off). On the other hand, I feel much older than I am and I don’t seem to have the same thoughts banging around in my head as most people my age. Most are wanting to have a family if they don’t have one yet, or trying to get ahead on the ole job, or nesting in some fashion. But me, I’m trying to express myself and break out of my emotional languor and do what I am passionate about. I don’t care about money or security — I act like I already have it, even though I totally do NOT. Hell, I’m getting ready to move cross country!

I don’t know what all this means in the big scheme of things, really. All I know is that there is something afoot within me and it plans to show itself in one way or another.

I think this journal has been changed more than I intended.

Soul Searching

Ever since my last entry, I’ve been thinking about my life and how it is reflected in this journal — or NOT, as is more the case. I’ve realized that I *do* have observations to make other than the intimate things that go on between me and my significant others. Yes, for those of you who are new here, there are TWO men in my life and yes it is very complicated and NO I’ll not go into it here.

Anyway, I was driving today, thinking about all of this. I was thinking about my fear of revealing myself and my emotional life and the self loathing that I suffer at various times. Yes, FEAR and LOATHING are still my obsession, but I think I’m figuring out why, so stick with me. I read others’ blogs and I identify so much with all the various levels of this concept that I just *know* it must have a deeper meaning than its face value.

I think that everyone has the fear of being found out. Not for any one thing, but just in general, FOUND OUT. For me, one of my things is my crippling self doubt. Not only do I have *that* to deal with, but I also have the FEAR that I’ll be found out to be a charlatan at ___________ (fill in the blank) so it makes me suffer even more trepidation. See the circle forming? A vicious one, yes.

I sit here, placidly gazing out my back window, watching the squirrels, blue jays and mockingbirds play as I chew my thumbnail and feel the tension in my body as it squeezes my neck and back. This is my current state. It is dichotomous and incongruent, yes, but it is so. I wonder if it shows? Does anyone realize how much I keep pent up in the name of decorum?

I have healers and magicians around me. I know that behaving this way is not good for me or my psyche. I know that I should “let it out” and purge all this hurt that I harbour. The bile and frustration I get out just fine, it’s the hurt that I can’t seem to do anything with. But it goes back to my deep hatred of emotional displays and (my favourite term) histrionics. I find these sorts of things very distasteful and uncomfortable, therefore I shun them. I can’t help but end up pointing the finger of blame to June, my mother. She was very emotionally unavailable to me growing up and she would chastise me for being “too sensitive, just like your father”. So I learned to comport myself and only react when angry. Which, of course, became all the time due to my frustration.

What to do? I do have little crying fits every now and then when I’m all alone and I can be all snotty and red-eyed in peace, but other than that, I really do nothing about the hurtful things that happen to me. I had a hurtful situation just the other day and I *did* tell someone about it, but I’m not sure that I dealt with it all that well. Actually, I think I ended up turning it on myself. Oooo, I guess I’d better start tap-tap-tapping my way to Emotional Freedom with the Emotional Freedom Technique…

I know that thinking good thoughts is good for you. I just have trouble doing it. It feels fake to me. It always has, this positive thinking thing. I try to tell myself things like “you are worthy of a good job” or “you are a fabulous person” but it just falls flat. It’s not that I tell myself I’m an asshole or anything, it’s just that I pick everything apart and I end up feeling inadequate. And those who know me think that I only do that to them. Hardly.

Perhaps this is the root of my ambivalence. Perhaps I’ve become so aware of my own inner dialog that it seems better to never make a decision than to make a crappy one and have to deal with the emotional upset that that would cause inside me.

Perfectionism can really suck sometimes!

Wow, I’ve written a whole page about my inner life. I hope the Peanut Gallery is happy. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Eh, better upload, before I lose my nerve.

How Much is Enough?

God, so much has been going on…As you know from the blog, Apple contacted me over a week ago. I haven’t gotten anything more from the slacker HR guy since, but I plan to shake his cage again this week. We (Andy, Nick and me) attended a big soiree for the new Atlanta office of MarchFIRST.com last Thursday. [Interesting sidebar: Marchfirst went bankrupt in 2011. Another dot bomb.-Aug 2013] It was great fun and I made some cool contacts. I originally hooked up with them via a guy in the HR dept. who sent AMUG an email about the opening party. From there, I ended up being a VIP (!!) at the party! Too cool! I was not too interested in this company until I found out that they are the ones that do 90% of the marketing for Apple. Chiat/Day just does print – THESE guys do everything else! They came up with the iMac design fer cryin out loud! Now, it is my mission to get a job with them, if Apple does not hire me, that is. Both companies have bases in Cupertino CA, so I think now is the time to be persistent and get myself a real job at a company that I am enamoured with.

My age has been a topic of discussion a lot lately. Not in a bad way, but in a “God I’m glad I’m not in my 20’s any more!” sort of way. I had lunch with Dean yesterday and we talked about it because he just had a birthday on the 24th. And he will *always* be older than me!! Yay! :-) OK, yes, I’m not in my 20’s. And I’m damn glad, so there.

I’ve acquired some web work. One client is thru an agency (or should I say was?) and although the work is tedious, I’m happy to have it. The other gig is thru Guru.com (rocks!) but I’m not sure if I’ll actually get any work. The guy is not clear about what he wants to do or how much he wants to pay. Like clients *ever* know this. ARGH! “Oh, yes, Mr. Client, I know exactly what you want and I’ll do it for exactly the amount you want to pay! And you don’t have to do or say *anything* at all! I’ll just whip out my crystal ball and divine it all for you!” //end sarcasm

It has come to my attention that some of you (you know who you are) seem to think that I do not spill enough of my emotional life onto the web. I talk about the things that are going on with me, but not much about my innermost feelings and thoughts because that’s the way I want this blog to be. Because of the delicate nature of my intimate relationships, I can’t get into the really *good* stuff here. You all READ this, you see, so it would not be fair to blab about one person or another in my close circle. So I don’t.

So, how much is enough? How much is too much? I could prolly have more relevant commentary about my life and how I feel about my life. I’m not much for public displays of angst or whatever, but I will try to muster up something more intimate. Lessee. OK, here’s a nugget: leaving my little nest here will be VERY difficult. Although I really hate Georgia, I really like my home: it’s comfy, my cats have freedom, I have a garden. Just the thought of leaving makes me very teary and upset. This place has been my haven for a long time and it matters to me. This is one very big source of angst for me right now.

It’s funny how ambivalence lurks in the corners of your mind. I can usually detect it in myself, but lately, I’ve discovered that I’m a LOT more ambivalent about many more things than I thought: love, jobs, friends, even what kind of beer to buy. I haven’t been doing yoga, or getting adjustments regularly, either. Nor have I thrown any (tarot) cards. Perhaps I’m just avoiding these things in order to avoid confronting the real issues of my life? A good point to ponder…

“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering? Well, yes, Brain, but where are we gonna get a rubber hose and tutu at this time of night?”

No, I don’t know where that came from, either. Must be the onset of dementia…

PVC pic

10:35pm

The Dragon*Con PVC dress.

PVC goodness
PVC goodness

Thanks to Tom for the pic. More to come, when I get the scanner and find the time to scan a bunch more. :-)

We went to an Apple Seminar today. It was OK. It was geared to Small Business, of which I am *definitely* SMALL. The Guerilla Marketing session was good. No real excitement, I’m afraid.

Dragons and PVC and Sunburn, Oh MY!

What about dragons? Well, that would be Dragon*Con, from June 29 thru July 2. I mentioned the PVC dress in the blog, so you know about that already, but lemme see if I can recall some of the other tales of the Con…

First, I have no pix to scan yet, so be patient. Ok, Thursday night we go down to get our tix and not much is going on yet. Friday, Andy and I go down for some panels during the day and we hang out around the Con Friday night (Nick joins us after work). I bought the PVC dress on Friday. We are standing outside at the pool in the smoking section, when I spy some redneck guys looking at me, so I go over and say hi. They are nice boys from Arkansas who clearly have no reason to be at the Con other than to listen to the wierd music and drink heavily. Steve and Davis were their names. I had on a slinky black outfit Friday night (it’s ALL about the clothes, darling) and while we were smoking I noticed some guys with very nice cat o’ nines strolling around, so I asked one of them for a couple of whacks. He obliged, but it was not satisfying. I scoped out another guy with a cat o’ nine and asked *him* for a couple of whacks. Ummmm, it was stinging goodness. You’ve gotta love an event where asking to be spanked is akin to asking for a light… >:->

Anyway, the second spanky guy had a couple of friends with him and we ended up hanging with these three for much of the Con. They are Tom, Hannah and Sam, from Knoxville, TN. Can you believe it? Well, Sam and Hannah are married, but very pagan and very cool. Hannah is a VERY schweet little 23 year old with curly red locks nice breasts and a very cute butt. I hope to hook up with them next time I go to the ole homestead. Yeah, baybee, yeah!

So, Saturday is the DAY for me, Nick and Andy. Nick had to work, of course, but Andy and I get our happy asses out of bed at 7:30am to get to a 10am panel. I am in high Goth: big hair, maroon lips, PVC dress, proper skulky attitude. We go to panels and Nick finally meets us at about 2pm. I was totally digging the attention lavished upon me due to the dress. My favourite quote about the dress: “Thank God for vinyl!”. TeeHee! I’d had problems with doofus people stepping on the train of the dress, so Andy had begun to walk a bit behind me to keep people off if it, and when Nick arrived, I had TWO footmen walking behind me! Lemme tell ya, all that was missing was leashes for them! THAT would have been perfect!

So, we attended more panels then went to eat @ Hard Rock Cafe. After that, we went to the totally lame “costume contest” at the Con. That’s in quotes cuz it was more like a really bad play with lots of shameless ads than a costume contest. We tired of that rather quickly, so we went back out to smoke and ran into the TN Three again. We then decided that we should go to the Fetish show at The Secret Room over at Deux Plex. So we catch the shuttle bus and ride over to the club. It was properly dark and skulky with lots of poseurs and leather. They had a little bloodletting show that was really not as wicked as it sounds and just kind of silly. Kids getting up on stage with very little on, letting a piercer gouge their foreheads with needles so they can bleed a little is just not that exciting to me, but some people seemed to like it. Well, after all this, it was about 3:30am when we left the Con, making it a 20 hour day for us. Better living through CHEMISTRY is all I have to say about that! :-)

Needless to say, we were wiped out on Sunday but attended some panels anyway. It took me a couple of days to get over all that. Poor Nick was about dead after this little foray into my partying habits. It took him a week to get over it all. He was still resting last weekend…

But me, well, this last weekend *I* was off to Jacksonville Beach to visit Michelle. The drive down there is oh-so-boring but the beach was good for me. Michelle had a cold but soldiered on in fine fashion. The kitties were skittish at first, but my old pal Garfield warmed up quickly and even Quaalude decided that I was not a bad Auntie after all. We think they figured out that 2 loving humans is better than one as far as the attention factor goes. M and I had yummy Mexican at a place that starts with C whose name I simply cannot remember despite being reminded about 6 times. We also found a really good seafood place called Glen’s (or is it Gene’s??) that is fast, cheap and good. We got gobs of food and I had a half carafe of wine for less than $40. After the seafood, we had originally planned to go out, but we were tired from the ocean that afternoon, so we ended up back at home in front of the computers. Heh heh. Big surprise there! We could both log on due to her phat DSL and a dialup connection, so we wreaked havoc on Dalnet #html. It was a blast. We had the webcam on as well, although the boyz here said that it was not refreshing at all…I don’t know if it was or not, but I know that there was some sort of pic up cuz I got a question about my tattoo. We stayed up til 2am smoking and I was drinking wine so it was a party fer sure. I got up Sunday and went to the beach for a couple of hours without sunscreen in order to get just a little singed. I did. It’s cool cuz I have some ‘tan’ lines now. Tan being a relative term, you know. :-)

I had a really good time hanging with you, Michelle! We simply MUST do it again sometime! Thank you!

I think that’s all the hijinx that are fit to print from my wild life. I got rid of Michael’s due to a run in with that harridan Judy but other than that everything’s groovy. Still looking for the ever evasive f/t job, but not with any enthusiasm.

Hey, it’s ALL good!