Family Llamas

This intro should warn you of my pissy nature at the moment. So tread carefully if you need to speak to me.

There’s no more vicious breed of Drama Llama than that of family. Each family member has their own and they are primed for battle at all times. I post this for the amusement of my friends who rarely get to hear juicy Drama Llama stories from me. I don’t have many Llama tales of woe, but when I do, it’s a biggie. Enjoy, you sick bitches!

This trip to Nutsville was a prime example of why family is the wart on the ass of humanity and should be avoided at all costs.

My mother has never been nice. Or even sorta nice. She’s a mean spirited, selfish, small minded woman who is only interested in people she can control. Which is why we do NOT get along. She cannot tolerate insubordination from the minions and that’s all she’s ever gotten from me. It drives her crazy that she can’t find a way to make me get in line. I like this. This bit of rebellion kept me sane growing up with this woman.

She perfectly reflects her upbringing and she has perfectly recreated that same fucked up dynamic in her own family. She rules the roost, the menfolk cower from her ass chewings and let her do as she pleases. Just as her mother did. She marginalizes the female child just as she was marginalized. She browbeats the male child and keeps him steppin’ and fetchin’ just as her mother does to her brother. It’s sick, sick, sick. She’s ruined my brother’s life by controlling his every breath since he was born. He is 42 years old and single, imagine that. He did manage to reproduce, tho, so she has two generations of minions to carry out her every order. The old battle axe will live to be 100 and my brother will be steppin’ and fetchin’ his whole life. So, what will happen then, is that his kid will be steppin’ and fetchin’ for him. The cycle goes on. [update a couple of hours after I wrote this post: OMG, I just realised that my brother is raising a kid with his mother. GAH! Oedipus, anyone?]

Sick, sick, sick.

The old woman is also a Jekyll and Hyde. Remember that awesome pencil she just did for me at Christmas? Yep, and now I’m a stupid asshole with a more stupid husband who “never talks to them” when we visit. Yah, it’s kinda hard when one is in the back room and the other is upstairs and both are asleep by 8. We usually end up sitting at the kitchen table talking to each other – which we can do here and save 18 gallons of gas.

The family Drama Llama trotted out this trip was, of course, my mother’s. It does get the most exercise of any of them, you know. She launched an early morning preemptive strike when we were at our pre-coffee weakest. She attacked us verbally right there at the kitchen table. What she didn’t expect was a counter strike. She never gets those from her minions who cower at her tongue lashings, you see. I sprung the attack a few minutes later as she smugly perused the paper and I saw the shock on her face (AH! Brilliant!). I told her she’d best not speak that way about my man EVER and moved away so as not to punch her in the face right there. She wisely gave me a minute to regain control then brought her rebuttal to the other room. Again, I used every last bit of my self control to not punch her in the face as she proceeded to dis my man some more. That cunt can say what she wants about me or to me, but she is in dangerous territory when she starts in on Nick. She’s never tried this tack before and she is certainly not going to again, THAT I can guarantee. I shot back with low blows and got in her face, at which point she quickly mounted her retreat. Good thing, I’d have broken her jaw had she stayed one more minute. I was seriously seeing red. I was shaking so hard I could barely hold a hairbrush. I’ve not been that enraged in probably over a decade. Maybe two decades. Honestly, a hard pop to the face would probably do her some good. As would a strong dose of Xanax. Neither of which I’m interested in administering.

The old woman stayed in her room while we gathered our shit and left. Nick was also pissed off by this bullshit, so he read her the riot act about her behaviour before he joined me at the car. Amongst other things, he informed her that we are not children and will not tolerate her outbursts like the other people around her do.

Nick insisted we go by the hospital to visit with my father before we got out of that hellhole, so we did (I was all for beating a path right then). We got about 45 minutes of visiting before the witch and her ass monkeys arrived. [insert wicked witch of the west music here] At which point, I stood, put on my coat, said bye to my father and we left. My mother had the audacity to say “Well, you don’t have to rush off.” OMG. Want. To. Kill. Old. Woman. Nick shoved me out the door.

I tell you, this is why I absolutely WILL NOT tolerate jackassery in my personal life. With a fucked up family like mine, I’ve simply got no patience or energy for Drama in any form. For those who think they have a corner on the market in family drama, YOU DON’T. The difference is that I keep distance from my family – which is now absolute. I will not be visiting any more. We will certainly visit our friends up there, but as far as I’m concerned, my family is just a memory. Like a bad dream. I’m smart enough to not keep going back for more abuse. They are just assholes like any other. Sharing some DNA doesn’t change that fact.

This should also serve as an illustration to those of you who think I WILL put up with your bullshit if you’re cute enough or entertaining enough. If I’ll cut my family loose, don’t think for a minute YOU can act like a raving lunatic and still be around me. You wanna act like a normal human? Fine, we’ll talk. You wanna act nice-nice to my man while dissing me and still be “friends”? FUCK YOU. Grow up and put on yer big girl panties if you want to play in my yard, ok?

Did I mention I was pissy? Yah.