So, I was thinking about the reasons why some people just can’t seem to disengage from their families and live their own lives. There’s a million excuses, but I think it boils down to just a few main tracks.
1. Men. Many, many men have mommy fixations. Being the oldest and a girl, I have firsthand experience with this phenomenon. Mothers dote on boys, period. If there’s only one child, a boy, then he’s pretty much doomed to be spoilt rotten. It may not be an obvious spoiling, but it’s there. If there is more than one boy, then one will be the Golden Child and the other boys will piss and moan about him. If there’s a boy and a girl, the boy will be the Golden Child, whether he’s the oldest or not.
2. Mothers. Mothers are the root of the aforementioned mommy fixations, mainly by the use of the Apron Strings. Men love to be waited on and mothers have a knack for catering to boys in many subtle ways. They also plant notions of supremacy and narcissism in boys’ heads. I’ve also seen several instances of mothers using this technique to keep daughters in line. I know a couple of girls who are domineered by their mothers, whether they are next door or across the world.
3. Immaturity. I think that many people are simply not mature enough to live their own lives without parental input. This one is by far the most prevalent in my observations. I know so many adults who spend a large amount of time and energy trying to either placate their parents or weave intricate tales of lies to cover for their chosen lifestyle. I also see many people who have the staunch belief that if they are not completely involved in family and/or parental affairs, the family will fall apart. To me, this seems a bit narcissistic and overly dramatic. The fact is this: your parents got along just fine without your ass before you came along, so why do you think that they can’t possibly function if you have your own, separate life? I think most parents expect their offspring to grow up, move out and get their own lives.
I think many people forget that they are not the center of the universe. The world will not stop when you die! No matter how close you are to anyone, they will not cease to exist if you are not around. It’s a harsh reality that is hard to face for most, but is the truth. It’s a fact that we are all infinitesimal in the workings of the Universe and we are here to grow, learn and be independent souls. I’ve never seen it written anywhere that children are here to be forever chained to their parents. Yes, they are your parents and you can love them (or hate them), but you’ve got to live your own life. You can waste your whole life trying to cater to parents and when they die, you’ll find yourself old, single and unsocialised. What’s the good of that?
I piss and moan about my mother’s complete inability to give a shit about my life or anything about me, but in retrospect, I realise that her lack of attention and unwillingness to be involved in my life has been the best thing she could’ve ever done for me. I’ve never wasted a moment worrying about what she thinks. I’ve made my choices and lived my life pretty much unencumbered by familial input and it’s made me extremely independent. I’m also grateful for her complete neutrality when it comes to my friends and lovers. I’ve drug home some fucked up people and she has never once said anything negative about anyone. I think as far as mothers go, this is a very good trait. My brother got the brunt of her full attention and look what happened with him! Oy!
All this has been in my mind since Dave died and I had to deal with his horrible mother. Talk about a worst case scenario! She hated all of Dave’s friends and she poisoned his thoughts to such an extent that he often accused his friends of stealing or using him for ________ (fill in the blank). It was sad. It got me thinking about others that I have known who are overly influenced by family or who are so wrapped up in their family that they have no lives outside of it. The energy I’ve seen squandered by people juking and jiving to make up stories to tell their parents is astounding. What astounds me more is that these people are ADULTS!! 30 somethings!! ACK!
I know I have no patience for family crap, but that’s probably due to the fact that I’ve never dealt with it. My parents have always been absentee emotionally, so I cannot understand why anyone would WANT to be so influenced by parents. My brother and I fight about his complete slavery to doing what our parents want him to do and his complete involvement with them. He’s 40, raising a kid and never had a relationship – other than with our mother, of course. He wonders why he can’t “find someone” and I tell him it’s probably because whoever it is would be, oh, #4 or #5 on the importance list.
My priorities have always been:
1. myself
2. my main relationship
3. my close friends (read: chosen family)
4. my cats
5. family
6. everthing and everybody else.
Everyone has his/her own version of this list. I think that if you aren’t thinking of your own wellbeing as top priority, then you’re shortchanging everything else on the list. If you don’t take care of YOU, then you are not going to have the resources to give what you should to everything else. When you engage in a partnered relationship, then by gods your significant other BETTER be no farther down the list than #2! Your partner is the most important person in your life fer cryin’ out loud! If you make this list and your family (parents/siblings, not your offspring) comes in higher than your SO and kids, then you have some mislaid priorities! Grow up!!
So, there you have the contents of my busy mind on this subject. Seems pretty common sense to me, but LOTS of things seem common sense to me that others struggle with. Heh, thanks Mom!