Having a Selfish Parent

I’ve bitched about my mother before and I will again, no doubt, but she never ceases to amaze me with her myopic, self centered, hateful and overall childish attitudes.

She called me yesterday to inform me that my father is finally getting his teeth fixed (they fell out due to his bone disease). Then she proceeds to start belittling him for using sedation to have ALL his teeth removed! When I point out that having multiple extractions is a big deal and most people are sedated, she starts in, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you pussies! I never had sedation! You are all wimps!” Now, keep in mind that she’s never actually had multiple extractions, which in my mind, negates any and all observations that she has on the subject.

Then she starts in on me and my brother, who both detest the dentist due to the simple fact that our parents took us to an Army dentist who didn’t believe in novacaine for such silly things as fillings. Yes, he drilled on young kids (I was 6 or 8, my bro 2 yrs younger) with nothing for pain. I brought this up and pointed out that our dental anxiety was probably due to our parents taking us to this dentist and by the way, what the hell were you thinking?? She immediately hops on her favourite soapbox and defense for all stupid decisions she’s ever made:

Well, I didn’t have any of that crap! If it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for you!

What that really means is this: My mother treated me like chattel and worshiped my brother. She ignored me and I’ve never gotten over it. I didn’t want kids in the first place, so what better way to get back at everyone than by treating my kids just as shitty as I was treated?

My mother has never once acknowledged her bad decision making or her overall callousness towards us when we were growing up. I don’t know if it’s truly ignorance of the long term effects her decisions had on us or her stubborn refusal to accept one tiny bit of responsibility for anything. Or both.

In any case, the mother I grew up with did not appear to give a flying fuck about our emotional needs, ever. I remember as a kid having bad days or whatever and knowing that I’d best just go to my room and close the door and deal with it myself. Here is a typical example of how my mother gave solace:
Me: “Some kids were mean to me today. They called me names.”
Mother: “Well, everyone has to put up with that. I had to put up with it, so do you.”
Me: “But it hurt my feelings!”
Mother: “Well, it hurt my feelings, too, but you have to live with it, so stop that sniffling.”

Yah, Dr Phil is a cupcake compared to June. Everything is about her in some way. No matter what has happened to you, she will match it or dismiss it by talking about herself. It’s fine to do that with adults, but I think that children need just a bit more understanding. It’s her opinion that children don’t understand anything anyway, so why bother wasting your time with being nice? It’s interesting to note that she’s similar with her granddaughter, but she caters to the kid constantly, which she certainly did not do with us. June still will not talk to the kid about anything important and she still tells stupid folk tales as truth when the kid asks questions. I think she really doesn’t understand kids or people of any age.

I guess that’s the real issue. My mother is not very socialised. She went from her mother’s house completely ignorant of most everything to getting married and popping out kids. Not because she wanted to, but because it was expected. She’s never had friends that I can recall. She’s got one childhood friend and that’s it. She’s bitter and mean and has an overall hateful attitude towards people. She’s also turned out to be a raging conservative “christian” who hates anyone who has not lived their lives as miserably as she. Everyone should be stay in a shitty marriage for 40 years, doncha know.

I suppose I should feel sorry for her and I do most of the time, but when she starts her abusive crap, I tend to forget about empathy and fight back. All I’ve ever wanted from her is to take responsibility for her decisions. I think she’s simply too immature for that, but maybe it’s just plain old bitterness at this point. It’s hard to tell.

So, when people wonder about my motivations and odd behaviours at times, I encourage them to consider the source. I grew up with a flavour of Mommy Dearest – the callous uncaring kind, not the torturing kind. My mother was treated this way and whether consciously or not, she treated us in the exact same way. My brother can do no wrong and I’m the evil child who is a thorn in her side. Her mother did not give any emotional support and neither does she. She really doesn’t like her mother much and I really don’t like her much. Seems pretty clear to me that this is familial tradition, but she goes ballistic if I mention such heresy. In her world, nothing is causal. Events are simply things that happen and nothing makes a difference one way or the other. A very childish way to view the world, IMO.

Having a mother who truly does not give a shit can be good for many things (like living my life unencumbered by parental influence) but it makes you hard, cynical, skeptical and very very closed. ::points to self as Exhibit A::

So, for everyone out there with mothers who drive you crazy but still manage to be there for you and care for you and support you: BE HAPPY. BE GRATEFUL. Caring parents can be a pain in the ass, but at least you know they care when they are butting into your bidness.