Family Psychology

These stories have been kicking around in my head for a week, so I guess it’s time to write them. People often see me as a know it all or arrogant or bossy or a dozen other things. I don’t deny any of it, but I do have evidence of how I became this way. There are a couple of incidents that stuck with me from my childhood which explain much of why I come across like I do.

The first incident that comes to mind happened when I was in first grade (that would make me 7 due to my birthday). I had a first grade teacher from Minneapolis MN with a HUGE accent. I’ve always been able to mimick and apparently I’d picked up some of her Yankee accent while at school.

My family and I were out at a “Colonel’s”, which is what we called Kentucky Fried Chicken waaaaay before it was KFC. I said the word “slaw” with a Yankee accent (like slah). My dad was horrified by this and proceeded to berate me and then teach me the “correct” way to say SLAW, with the slow, drawn out Southern aaaaaw, so it was slaaaaaow with about 3 syllables. The whole family treated me like I was an idiot for not being able to speak “properly”.

Hmm, ya think this could be why I’m a grammar and pronunciation NAZI?

Another incident, also in the first grade, set me up for my current “Prove it!” way of thinking. Sadly, I don’t remember the details, I only remember the event and how it felt. My parents are big fans of a) telling children lies and/or fairy tales as the truth and b) making things up if they don’t know the answer. There was a subject that I asked my parents about and they told me some bullshit stupid story as if it were the absolute truth. Being a child, I believed them. I returned to school with my newfound knowledge and was ridiculed for believing such stupid shit. I felt completely stupid and gullible.

The same thing for cars. My dad was an amatuer dirt track race car driver before I was born. He knew cars. Or so he thought. He knows ’50s cars, NOT modern ones. He would teach me how to work on my car and I would go forth with this knowledge only to find out that it was 100% wrong and I’d feel like a dumbass.

Hmm, ya think this could be where my innate skepticism comes from?

All in all, I spent my youth horrified and repelled by my family. I realised early on that I was on my own when it came to the pursuit of knowledge and truth. These people could care less about learning, language, art, culture, well, just about everything that I cared about. I spent my youth trying to fit in at school and trying to fit in with my family that didn’t understand me. It made me VERY independent and it made me VERY hard at a VERY young age. I was skeptical of most “facts” told to me by the time I was 8 years old for fuck’s sake! I didn’t ask my parents or anyone else about anything. I would look it up myself to get the truth. (That’s why I was an instant internet junkie. I can look up anything and everything 24/7. And I do.)

When you’re a kid and you have nothing in common with your family, it’s tough to learn empathy. Mainly because you get none. All I got from my family was things: cars, money to spend on clothes, money for whatever. I never got empathy, understanding, or any of that squishy stuff that I hear about. I was always puzzled by kids who just loved to hang out with their family and such. I couldn’t stand mine! What the hell were they talking about??

It’s still that way for me. Taking a 10 day vacation with my family would nothing short of sheer HELL for me and for them! They feel the same way about me as I do about them. We’ve talked about it, so I know this to be true. I like knowing the truth – it really does set you free! I’m not obligated to do anything with them which makes us all happier people, so it’s cool.

I’m not relaying this as a blanket excuse for my character flaws, just as information for those who are interested. This is also not a blanket condemnation of my family. I know they did the best they could with their considerable emotional baggage, their cultural training and the attitudes of the times.

I railed against my family for so long that it became habit. It took a decade to break that habit. Now I see them with more clarity and I understand where the individuals were coming from, which is a big help when trying to deal with what I’d considered mental abuse. It was only abuse in my head – it wasn’t sent out that way, it was just received that way. Once you realise that YOU control how YOU receive information, things make a helluva lot more sense!

Everyone has deep reasons for behaving the way they do. It’s learned at a very early age and it’s hard as hell to change these deep seated behaviours. I think it’s up to each individual to examine (harshly is best) their core behaviours and beliefs to see what is valid and what is just a head game. I’m of the Dr Phil mentality when it comes to neuroses: JUST GET OVER IT. You can talk to a therapist all day long, you can pop happy pills, but ultimately you’ll stay exactly where you are unless you get the balls to challenge yourself. No one can do it for you. YOU have to be willing to judge your beliefs with the harsh clarity of TRUTH. Are your beliefs working for you? (As Dr Phil would say, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”.) Do they really reflect who you want to be? If not, you need to jettison them and put something real in place of the bullshit. It has nothing to do with your mommy or your daddy or what anyone else on the planet thinks, it’s what YOU think.

I know it’s a little easier for me due to the complete lack of influence my family’s views have on me, but still. You don’t have to reject your family to reject their views. I think a lot of people are very unhappy because they think if they break away from their family’s views that they are being disrespectful to the family. I think if you live your whole life trying to fulfill someone else’s expectations you’ll end up neurotic, bitter and angry.

So, call me a bitch. Call me arrogant. Call me a freak. Call me anything you want. I don’t care because I’m too busy with moving forward. I’ve come a LONG way in the last 2 decades and I plan to go even further in the next 2. I’m working on my character flaws. I’m a work in progress, just like we all are. Whenever I get irritated with a friend, I try to repeat the mantra “We’re all works in progress” to help me get past my irritation. Sometimes it actually works. :-)