Sometimes I just don’t know how to process things. Being deeply insulted by a friend is hard. (“I can’t think of anyone less hospitable than you!” in reference to my being in the hospitality industry.) Trying to not let it get to me is harder. Some people *think* they know me, but really do not. And as much as I try to show them my true self, they reject it and hold onto what they think they know – despite it being 15 years out of date.
I am letting go of the person who hurt me – again. It’s like we never get past a certain level and he seriously enjoys being demeaning and mean to me. This person is very deeply invested in proving that I’m wrong and the way I do pretty much everything in my life is wrong. He is absolutely not worth the effort.
In the past, I’d say nothing about how I feel, and I know that every single interaction will be contentious. And I’d end up with hurt feelings. Every time. Nick is oblivious to this, apparently.
And somehow I always end up with the notion that it’s my fault. I know intellectually it’s not, but Nick tells me it’s my fault because I won’t capitulate and be run over by this person. If I thought I was being treated fairly, I might be more compliant, but I do not think I’m being treated fairly. Not at all. Not being allowed to speak and being lectured at is not fair, IMO. It’s not a discussion if no discussion is allowed.
Nick values this person’s opinion – and he thinks it’s good for me to be wrangled every now and then. And this is why we had a huge fight over it. The person in question has been deleted. No regrets.
Adulting is hard. So is blogging about being hurt rather than screaming at the top of my lungs that I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED AS IF I AM TOO DUMB TO DO WHAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR ME. I may have a big mouth and be opinionated AF, but I still have feelings. Despite the press otherwise. I wish that people I’ve known for a long time would at least TRY to see that I have changed and I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago. Hell, I’m not the same person I was ONE year ago. I don’t need to be steamrolled, I need SUPPORT. NOT the same thing.
This year has been about learning how to ask for help and learning when to STFU and not talk back. I’m trying to learn, but dammit, I simply WILL NOT allow men to condescend and lecture me just because they assume they know more. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don’t. But by the gods, if you start lecturing me and I correct you when you say that I don’t know something when I CLEARLY DO, I am going to talk back. I am DONE with being lectured and beaten into agreeing with the notion that I do not know what is best for myself or my business.
If you don’t agree, then fuck off. I’m tired of defending my LIFE. If you think I’m an idiot, then great, think that. But spare me the lectures and condescension.
I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Either be on the team or not.