Sometimes I just don’t know how to process things. Being deeply insulted by a friend is hard. (“I can’t think of anyone less hospitable than you!” in reference to my being in the hospitality industry.) Trying to not let it get to me is harder. Some people *think* they know me, but really do not. And as much as I try to show them my true self, they reject it and hold onto what they think my true self is.
I still like the person that hurt me, but I dunno. It’s like we never get past a certain level. I’d like to move past this, but I just don’t know how to drag them past their own blocks. And this person is very deeply invested in proving that I’m wrong and the way I do pretty much everything in my life is wrong.
So, I just don’t say anything about how I feel, and I know that every single interaction will be contentious. And I’ll end up with hurt feelings. Every time.
And somehow I always end up with the notion that it’s my fault. I know intellectually it’s not, but others tell me it’s my fault because I won’t capitulate and be run over by this person. If I thought I was being treated fairly, I might be more compliant, but I do not think I’m being treated fairly. Not at all. Not being allowed to speak and being lectured at is not fair, IMO. It’s not a discussion if no discussion is allowed.
Perhaps I should just walk away rather than deal with this? I have these thoughts after every single interaction with this person. EVERY TIME. Why do I do this to myself? (Because Nick values this person’s opinion – and he thinks it’s good for me to be wrangled every now and then, that’s why. I should not comply. But I do, to keep the peace. Again: WHY?)
Adulting is hard. So is blogging about being hurt rather than screaming at the top of my lungs that I AM TIRED OF BEING TREATED AS IF I AM TOO DUMB TO DO WHAT IS APPROPRIATE FOR ME. I may have a big mouth and be opinionated AF, but I still have feelings. Despite the press otherwise. I wish that people I’ve known for a long time would at least TRY to see that I have changed and I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago. Hell, I’m not the same person I was ONE year ago. I don’t need to be steamrolled, I need SUPPORT. NOT the same thing.
I think this is karma beating the shit out of me, honestly. I am paying for doing this to others. I recognise this, which is why I am trying to walk away when I get the urge to lecture. This year has been about learning how to ask for help and learning when to STFU and not talk back. I’m trying to learn, but dammit, I simply WILL NOT allow men to condescend and lecture me just because they assume they know more. Perhaps they do, perhaps they don’t. But by the gods, if you start lecturing me and I correct you when you say that I don’t know something when I CLEARLY DO, I am going to talk back. I DGAF how much karma I’m reaping, I am DONE with being lectured and beaten into agreeing with the notion that I do not know what is best for myself or my business.
I’ve put YEARS of my life into educating myself about the restaurant biz. I’ve got 18 years of handling the business of restaurants. I have a clue. I’m SICK OF SAYING THIS TO MEN. I am also smart enough to know that there is PLENTY I don’t know, but I’m smart and I’ll learn. Dumb people open businesses every day and succeed. I think I have a better than average shot.
If you don’t agree, then fuck off. I’m tired of defending my LIFE. If you think I’m an idiot, then great, think that. But spare me the lectures and condescension.
I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Either be on the team or not. Beating me down is not really helping anything.