The server upgrade finally happened and my WP is working better than ever (oh, hello Dashboard functions that now work!). I knew that it’d run better with current PHP software. Why the hosting company is so reluctant to upgrade is beyond me. You just gotta, yanno, I’m paying you to keep things current. So they did, it’s working great and all’s well with the sites.
Gotta get ramped up for Teh Crazies™ of the holidays. We are not going to go anywhere this year. My brother has already voiced his displeasure at my “disrespect”. Right. It’s MY disrespect that ran us off in the first place. I simply do not feel like running the roads and dealing with the vortex of negative up there. No more, no less. I know they have all “apologized” via the birthday cards they sent. I know that’s as close to an apology I’ll EVER get from any of them. And frankly, it doesn’t matter much, those “apologies”.
It’s not about apologies and pretending that they love the holidays and therefore I should come up there. It’s really not. It’s about me being 44 and TIRED. I’m tired of doing all the running. I’m tired of getting there only to be completely ignored and left to sit at the kitchen table with Nick (um, I can do that in the comfort of my own home, OKTHXBAI). I’m tired of being bullied into coming up there then talked to like I’m the dumbest asshole who ever lived and I’m the biggest fucking ingrate EVAR to bother them by being there. It’s fucking psychotic and I’m TIRED OF IT. Plain and simple.
I’m sure I’ll have to deal with more venom and bile from them for this bit of rebellion. For all the years of bullshit I’ve gotten from them, I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS head up there for fucking xmas. It’s like a death march. I hate it and it ruins my holidays to have to run up there and deal with the horrible negative vibes of that place. But yet, for my whole adult life, I’ve obediently trotted up there and done my time.
Well, excuse me if I want to actually have a holiday season to my fucking self. Just me and my boi. And my cats. And my friends. If I feel like going somewhere, I’ll go. If not, I’ll sit here on my fucking couch, yo. NO PRESSURE.
I really don’t know why I’m apologising. Can I not live my own life? What is so wrong with that? It’s maddening, I tell you.
I do wish my Gran was doing better, and I’m conflicted about seeing her. I remember her on her couch, chatting and having a good day. I really don’t want to remember her in a nursing home, out of her head, waiting to die. Which is what I think I’d find. I’ve seen several relatives in nursing homes and hospitals right before they died and IT SUCKED. Those are the memories that STUCK WITH ME. I really don’t want that for my Gran. Really.
What to do? Should I suck it up and go to the nursing home and risk having a bad memory or should I simply call for updates and remember her my way? What say you, hivemind? What say you?
This holiday season will suck in its own special way for me. Mainly it’s my Gran that is bothering me – more than the family bullshit. I’m used to family drama, but I’m not used to the notion that my Gran will be gone soon. Not at all. ::sigh::
Bring on Teh Crazies. It’s the fucking holidays! Yay! :-(
My bit of the hive (my own mind, that is) says that going up there maybe before or after holidays to visit JUST Gran would be worthwhile. Fuck the rest of the family. They can sit and spin. If they want to have a relationship with you, then they can work on it rather than dictating their needs and wants and bitching that you aren’t fulfilling them with your very personhood. Any relationship works in two directions, and anyone who doesn’t respect that isn’t worth having any relationship with.
As for your Gran… There’s a few things I do that are unbelievably horrible because the person earned them. From what you’ve said, your Gran has earned not dying without you. She won’t care once she’s gone, sure, but it matters now. Nursing homes and hospitals are shitty places. They are impersonal at best, and nasty-mean at worst. Every now and then a truly amazing person will be the light in one of those places and do everything they can to make a positive impact in the lives of those they touch during their last moments. You can’t count on that, though. Go up there. Touch her. Listen to her. Just listen to her breath and hold her hand if that’s all she’s got to give that’s left. All that is good in this world knows that you can’t count on the rest of your family to be human long enough to really give her some love in the last bits of her life. She’s loved you. She’s earned it.
All of this may or may not apply. I’m making a lot of assumptions. Think about it, though. Think about what you would want if you were her. Think about what she would want based on the person you’ve known. Think about what is available to her up there. Lay aside the horrible reality of how the memory will affect you (and, as you know, it will*) and try to think about whether this is something she has earned, needs and would want. Love on yourself, love on those who’ve earned it in your life (cuz you do. you go way beyond when it starts to eat who you are to do some things for other people. it takes you a long time to say that you’re “out of here” and that this is hurting you so you’re going to disconnect). You’re a good, warm, caring, loving and giving person. Is going to see her consistent with that, or inconsistent with that?
*and this sounds shitty, so apply the thought carefully: caring more about the impact on you than the impact on her sounds a bit like a family trait. Consider whether that is truly your motivation, or if there’s something more to it.
I saw my grandma before she died, of course I was very small. I loved her and she loved me. I remember when I was itty bitty and we played with the magnolia blossoms from her tree, pretending they were southern belles in voluminous (sp?) skirts. I also remember her in the nursing home, in pain, depressed, but oh so happy that her grand baby came to give her a hug and bounce around the room.
I’m glad to have both of those memories. I remember her when she was more healthy and happy, and I remember her in her last few days, those few moments I had with her, which made her happy.
I may be assuming a lot about your relationship with, but I bet she wants to see you, and hold your hand one last time. I went to nursing homes a few times when I was kid, when my mom worked at them, and for most of those people, all they wanted in the world was to see their kids and grand kids. They cherish it.
Yes, you are all right (I got an offline comment, too). I should get over my hatred of nursing homes and embrace seeing my Gran. So I shall. When we go up there next, I plan to go to Oak Ridge and see her. You are SO right about what SHE needs as opposed to my silly discomfort. I’m such a chicken, really.
Thank you ALL for your input. You guys keep me sane, you know that?
OXOXOXOX