Open letter to the Chick

An old friend’s psycho wife has finally dropped all pretense of her fake like for me and written me a nasty little piss off email. Oooo, big surprise.

She wrote me an email a few weeks ago, begging to be friends and even after I told her flat out that I’m not a neuroses supporting kind of friend (more of a Dr Phil, read your beads kind), she still invited me to give her my input. So I did, knowing full well that she’d take every single word of it and turn it into me being “mean-spirited and unkind”.

Yah, yah, and I cause global warming, disease and pestilence, too. Or does Caroline have pestilence? Anyway, yah, I’m eeeeeevviiillll and horrible and you’re an innocent little princess. What a load of horseshit.

Just another in a loooong list of neurotic, insecure CHICKS that think they have hidden their disdain for me and I never saw it coming. Right. This ain’t my first rodeo, honey, I do have a clue.

Chick, do you really think that for one instant I thought you had any sort of vague like or respect for me? You are delusional. You have had nothing but hatred and jealousy of me since the instant we met [actually, WAY before that] and you’ve been waiting for the right time to lash out and show me just how immature and jealous you really are. Well, I got the message.

Now let me give you one:

Dear Chick:

You’re right, I do feel sorry for my friend having to put up with you. You are irrational, flakey, neurotic and insecure. I also know that he had to sneak to call me because I’m sure you’d pitch a fit if he did it in front of you. As a matter of fact, you admitted this in your email. And if you think that I had plans to be “friends” with you, you are sorely mistaken. I’m not that dumb, sweetheart. You are a chick and you are not worth the effort. Perhaps this is why you have no friends? [Per your email to me as well.] You whine and “commiserate” only in the academic sense, what you really want is sympathy and someone to tell you how great you are and how awful everyone else is. I told you very clearly that I am not that someone, yet you chose to invite me to comment. Your discomfort is not my problem. Grow the fuck up.

I don’t really care about our lives “intersecting”. Never have. I knew this day would come and I’m fine with it. You are not the kind of woman I’ll ever want to be around. Not at the moment, anyway. You could grow, who knows? But I doubt it, since you are older than I am and still an immature twit.

Sincerely,
The EVIL Ex

To my friend who married this woman, I wish you much luck – good thing you have the patience of Job. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. You are hereby released from having to sneak and call me. And no, I don’t expect to hear from you ever again. I’m OK with that. You will be placed in the category Those Whose Neurotic Wives Disapprove. You can keep Dean company. :-)

Drama Llama, indeed!

OMG, I was sitting talking to my Weasel about my epiphany about advice vs validation tonite and he said something that was so profound… He said, “You know this is the problem guys have had FOREVER, right?”

Well, now that he mentioned it, I guess so! I’ve been suffering for YEARS with this problem of not being able to tell when a chick wants advice vs when she wants validation.

When the bell rang in my head (BONNNGGG!!!) I had to laugh.

I am such a guy!! OMG, I knew I dealt with shit in a guy like fashion at times, but in this respect I’m a total GUY. This is what happens:

Chick blathers on about some DRAMA that is going on and asks “What should I do??”

I instantly register “OMG, she needs a PLAN!! I can totally do PLANS!!!” And skip over the validation part.

I then proceed to outline the plan I’ve thought up, but then suddenly realise that the chick has mounted her Drama Llama and is galloping off screaming WOOOO HOOO!!, waving her hat and generally ignoring everything I have to say.

Rather than STOP right there and wait for the chick to do a couple of laps on the Drama Llama and perhaps then be able to listen to reason, I plunge forth with my most logical, awesome plan…

THAT is the problem!

You canNOT try to talk to sense to a chick who is riding her Drama Llama. No way, no how. It’s friendship suicide. Yet, this is what I DO! OY!! Why did it take so long for me to realise this??

So, Nick has given me some great GUY advice on how to deal with the Drama Llama and its rider – which I thank him for IMMENSELY!! OMG, this epiphany has totally given us some awesome fodder for the Weasel comic! SQUEEE! It’s gonna be GREAT!!

Keep your eyes on Thinkweasel.com for the story of the MANual and the Drama Llama!!