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Where, oh Where Has My Sanity Gone?

Today is one of those days that tries my patience. I woke up feeling groggy and vaguely stressed out. The stress progressed until I was truly feeling stressed and tired by 11am. I cut out of work early (12:45p) because it appeared that the lunch rush was over, but as I waited for my tofu and veggies another rush came and I just HAD to get out of there! I grabbed my food, tossed some cash on the bar and literally scampered to my car! What the hell is wrong with me?

I had a Chakra Healing session yesterday with Rebecca and I think that has upset the proverbial apple cart. Now, before you go and accuse me of being all nutty-granola, let me explain that I often try out (for free) new kinds of energy healing just to see what will happen. The last one, Divine Light, was a big zero, but this one was really REAL. I truly felt stuff come up and I felt the energy bouncing around as Rebecca worked! I felt somewhat tired and disoriented when we were done, but today just sucks. I feel like I’ve slipped back into neurosis!

Anyway, I know what is going on. It’s my old friend fear. Yep, whenever things start to go well for me, I get all freaked out and spastic. I’m waiting on a BIG contract gig to get signed and delivered and it’s making me insane. Why do I have to constantly put myself through this hell of self doubt? Why? Am I not beyond that by now? Apparently not.

So, in this state of flux, I feel the need to write. Quite a few things have been on my mind lately. I think I’ll start with a subject that is near and dear to my heart: sex. It’s always a shock to me to realize that 95%+ of people in the world spend their whole lives without any decent sex. I’m even shocked when some bible thumpers get their knickers in a twist over a little nudity in a play at Kennesaw State College. My GAWD, this is a college fer chrissakes (a shitty one, but still)! Adults go to school there! What the fuck? Granted I am in Georgia, the buckle on the Bible Belt, but DAMN. I just don’t get it. I think people are very immature and silly about sex and nudity. Grow the fuck up. Geez.

Politics always get me ranty, but I’ll point out just one politician that makes me absolutely postal: Cynthia McKinney (D 4th GA), imbecile and loudmouth. Her latest idiotic claim that GeeDubya knew about the 9.11 attacks is just one more in a long list of stupid, irrational things that she has said. There is another black woman (Denise Majette) gunning for the 4th district and I hope she gets it. [She did, thankfully. – A] But, I suppose the darling of the ACLU, McKinney, will get elected again by the same morons who’ve kept her in office for FIVE fucking terms. I can tell you fer sure, it ain’t white people. This district is mostly black and for some inexplicable reason, McKinney is adored by the black community here. I just can’t figure out why, exactly. I am praying for an upset at the next election.

I’m reading the latest collection of short stories by Stephen King: Everything’s Eventual. It’s really a great collection. I have always loved short stories and I think King is the modern master of the genre. In his prologue, he mentions that short stories will probably be a lost genre soon, since the publishers are not interested in them. WHY, I can’t understand! I would think that a short story would be perfect for the minuscule attention spans of people today. But, anyway, he recommends a couple of other collections: Sam the Cat by Matthew Klam and The Hotel Eden by Ron Carlson. I intend to buy them and you should, too, if you like the short story format. There is a rather long story in this collection which is an offshoot of the Dark Tower – complete with Roland as the main character. Yum! Now I must go back and reread the Dark Tower books to prepare for the release of the 5th installment this year! It’s called Wolves of the Calla and I’m drooling for it! I’m such a King junkie, it’s really disturbing. He is now saying that the DT series will be seven books, but I’m hoping for more.

I really love ICQ. It’s a nice little client that rarely causes trouble with any other software and it’s cool to be able to harass Nick at work! [We’ve moved on to iChat & Adium – A] I have to say the same for StripCam, the software that takes snapshots with my crappy webcam and uploads them. [I’ve moved to EvoCam now, and it’s much better. -> Now I use Photo Booth! -A 2015] Rarely an issue. Now, I cannot say the same for Palm, Inc. I am really pissed at them! Their support sucks big hairy donkey balls. My little m100 began to have the well-documented digitizer-drift problem (that is denied by Palm), which is supposed to be fixable by a simple calibration, but it just didn’t happen for my Palm. When I’d go into the calibration application, it would go into a loop and I’d have to reset to get out. This occurred after many hard resets, new system installs, upgrades and even a third party calibration program was installed. I’m so bummed. :-( Now I have to strip it down and send it back for an exchange. Wah. Six months this one has lasted, when the Palm III I gave to Andy was several YEARS old and never had an issue other than an age-related short that made it turn off by itself. Not good, Palm. I knew I shoulda gotten a fucking Visor. The support is totally nonexistent and even the email I got from the CSR to confirm my exchange request was fucked up by the Palm email system. Gawd. [Palm is long gone now in 2015. -A]

I feel better now. Writing always calms my nerves. I wish I was a better writer and could produce more than stream-of-consciousness essays, but unfortunately my talent lies in instructional manuals, not prose. Ask me about Macs or herbs and I’ll write you a very detailed, complete and focused tome, but anything literary, well, NO. Ah, well, at least I know my strengths!

Here is a proverb from the Tao Te Ching for you to meditate upon until my next Rant:

I have three treasures which I guard and keep:
The first is compassion.
The second is economy.
The third is humility.
From compassion comes courage,
From economy comes the means to generosity,
And from humility comes responsible leadership.

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WTC Memorial Lights in NYC

11:30pm

I didn’t post yesterday, but I did see some of the WTC tributes and stuff on TV. My girlfriend Rhonda in New Jersey sent me some shots of the memorial lights:

9/11 Memorial 6 months after, 5/11/04
9/11 Memorial 6 months after, 5/11/04

If you want a large version of that shot for your desktop, email me and I’ll get it to you.

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Dr. Phil, Save Us All!

As everyone on the frelling planet knows, I am essentially unemployed and therefore I do housewifey things like watch Oprah. I love Oprah’s Book Club and I have been an avid watcher of Tuesdays with Dr Phil McGraw, the Texas born therapist whose main philosophy is “GET OVER IT AND QUITCHER WHININ’!” I like that sentiment. It works for me. So, anyway, his latest opus is Self Matters and it’s a no nonsense, logical guide to getting down to the nitty gritty of what your own mind is doing to you and how it all got that way. If you have nagging, longterm “issues” that are holding your life back, get this book. I’ve found it to be clarifying and sobering to name the issues and then do something about them.

In other news, well, there is no news, really. I have ideas, but no way to get them launched. I have a profession, but no active clientele. I have no money and no prospects for gainful employment. The usual.

I don’t have a plan for this Rant, as you can see, but I really felt the need to put fingers to keyboard and see what comes out. Hrm, so far, not a helluva lot! Heh!

I’ve just come from a Divine Light session with Kari and I feel energized – if not particularly focused. The session was not really groundbreaking or anything, but I do feel more centered for sure.

I’ve been doing a lot of surfing the last couple of weeks and I’m more determined than ever to bring the REAL web to more people. I’ve always thought that the web is chock full of artistic and literary expressions and that 95% of the AOLers and Yahoo searchers never even get a glimpse of the true value of the internet. I’ve met some interesting people via the net. Some people I even know quite a bit about, but couldn’t tell you a thing about what they look like or where they live. It just doesn’t matter online. I really love that people connect on such an even field online. Try MetaFilter (MeFi to those of us who go there a lot) for instance. When the 9.11 attacks occurred, there was so much discussion about national issues as well as some very specific things like whether or not everyone should know the National Anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s cool to be able to toss out a question and get tons of responses from people of all stripes. More people should hang out there and learn something about other people’s views. If more people would get into discourse with a wide variety of folks who have a wide variety of views maybe we would foster more REAL understanding and change in the world. I know understanding and acceptance is probably a pipe dream, but sometimes I truly understand what John Lennon and Martin L. King, Jr. were wishing for.

I wish I could get a grip on either GreyMatter or Moveable Type. So far the database stuff seems kinda complicated. I have these huge dreams of having this website all neatly organized with groovy databases, but I just don’t think I have the attention span to get it all set up. This is a big site now! After 3 years, one tends to accumulate quite a bit of stuff on a site, you know? So, I don’t know if I’ll ever get it all organized, but I will have one of the blogging systems in use on this site. I really like the notion of feedback from my readers and I know that people do NOT email, but they are more likely to drop a line if you have a mechanism for that. So, I hope to have something installed soon. Just don’t hold your breath, though, because I have no idea how soon is soon. [This was remedied with WordPress, which I’ve used since MT became crap a VERY long time ago! -A Mar 2015]

Oh, I just thought of something else that’s been bugging me. Oh, nevermind. This just isn’t a bona fide Rant this time, I’m afraid! Damned Divine Light! I just popped over to WWDN (Wil Wheaton Dot Net for the uninitiated) and once again, I’m just taken by him. He’s a really nice, funny guy and the more I read his observations the more I like him.

Ok, I’m done here. I have nothing else to say that makes a bit of sense, so I’ll let you go!

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Be GONE Year of Upheaval! v.2.0

So, I’m cooing over snowflakes while on the food run for lunch today and I realized that there is something more out there for me. I have no idea what the hell it could be, but I KNOW there is some sort of occupation out there for me. One where I could make decent money and have control over my time and my life. And despite the horrible year it’s been, I still feel that a web based business is the thing for me. But what products? I’m thinking that maybe herbs and other supplements may be the way to go, but I’ve not done any homework to see what’s out there now. I will, though. I will. Because…

I hate the freaky, spastic, neurotic bunch of people that run this health food store where I work. To be surrounded by herbs and supplements that make you feel groovy, these people are the most wound up bunch I’ve had to deal with in a while. Talk about bullshit! If I wanted to work with overwrought divas I’d still be in the newspaper industry!!! [edited to protect the guilty]

So, that brings me back to my thoughts today of what kind of web business can I set up? Judging from the number of people who come in saying that they found info on the web, I’d say that the health food industry is going strong online. If any of you have any info about this or any links for me, please let me know.

I know I’d wanted to go for the Naturopathic Doctor degree, but I cannot afford it, so I enrolled in the Herbalist I section instead. There are 3 tiers to Herbalist: Family, Consulting and Master. I don’t know whether I’ll get any more than this one, but I’ve already paid the deposit, so ‘I’m in for a pound’ as they say. I have to tell you though, that these unsavoury people at the store have dampened my enthusiasm for the industry quite a bit. Damn them. I still find myself drawn back toward the tech sector. I find that dealing with luddites makes me miss the geeky world of the web and I really don’t think I can leave it for good. I’ve been thinking about soliciting all the various holistic centers around here for web work. I’ll just bet that many of them have no site at all and have no idea of how to get started. Deana (of centerforholistichealth.com fame) has been getting more and more hits and clients from the website, and she is giving me an advertising budget for the site, so maybe I can spin that into more work…

I know brochureware sucks, but dammit, I think that having a brochure site is better than no site at all!! When I do a site, I try to impress upon the client that I can’t be expected to create content for them, THEY have to do that, but you know, they still sort of expect me to fabricate content anyway. It’s the nature of the luddite beast, I’m afraid. Nonetheless, I don’t think I can give up my web stuff and I don’t think I can give up my current Mac clients, either. I like my clients and they like me and I sure do love the money I make doing support! I think I’m gonna cut loose the clients that are too far away and only accept any new ones if they are close and I like them. The rest can go to my friend who also does support.

I really did not intend for this to be a job related rant, but despite the post-posting editing it still is. Oh, well. In a vain attempt to rescue this Rant from the boring doldrums of work related crap, I’m going to add a little about my thoughts on authenticity. I think what ulitmately bugs me about people like the ones at the health food store and elsewhere is the lack of honesty and the duplicity that people seem to think is necessary in everyday life. Why can’t people just be honest? Why can’t people just live what they preach? I dunno, it just seems that being friendly to a client is one thing, but changing your speech patterns to seem more ethnic smacks of fakeness that I find hard to swallow. Running a store that is viewed as ‘alternative’ and ‘healthy’ but doesn’t even recycle the DUMPSTER FULL of corrugated cardboard it uses every week also seems, um, FAKE to me. And having two brand new cars that cost more than $100,000 (for both) seems a bit too consumer oriented, too. Doesn’t it? Is it just me that sees this? Am I the only person that is bothered by this??? [AND the asshole who owned the shop paid his employees in cash so he didn’t pay any payroll taxes. He probably didn’t pay taxes at all. NICE. -A Mar 2015]

I know I’m too hard on people, but you know what? I don’t feel one little bit guilty about that. I truly believe that if everyone lived life authentically and had higher expectations of the rest of society then society would rise to the occasion. The reason that there is no service in retail or anywhere else is because society has allowed it. We’ve allowed service to go by the wayside in the name of Political Correctness and it’s a cop out. It’s not OUR fault that we pay $45 a month for crappy cable and then get Shaniqua who is paid $7/hr to answer the phone and tell us that there’s nothing to be done about it, oh, NO. We know good and well that it’s us, the CONSUMERS who acquiesce and put up with it. If you don’t like something SPEAK UP. If you want honesty, demand it and DO IT in your own life. Am I going to take it in the ass from cable? NO. I’m looking for alternatives. I’m demanding better service.

Goddess knows, my friends have put up with my blabbing the truth at them and pissing them off enough through the years! I know it pisses people off, and I usually don’t mean for it to, but I can take it as well as dish it out. Just the other day I had someone comment on a statement I’d made and point out that it was too negative – and they did so in a very blunt fashion. I could have gotten pissy about it, but I listened to what the actual words were and I immediately gave that person credit for pointing out my shortcoming. I know my shortcomings, believe me, but I can take it if someone wants to call me to the carpet.

It’s too bad that most people are not that self aware and they are unable to take the slightest bit of honest commentary. It’s the pervasive influx of Political Correctness that has made our society one of wimpy little whiners who are afraid to say anything the least bit negative for fear of being seen as NOT P.C.. What this country needs is more honesty and authenticity and less P.C. bullshit.

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Holidays are over! Yay!

OH, thank god it’s over!! Freaking Christmas got all wonky on me this year and I ended up stressed out and disorganized. No out of town gifts got sent, no cards got sent. Not even the goddamned ECARDS happened. Andy’s stuff got sent, but thanks to the buttlickers at UPS, they didn’t make it in time for him to receive BEFORE he left for Miami. So, I expect the packages to either get sent back or be held some fucking where that Andy can’t get to easily. GREAT.

As for GOOD stuff, well I’d say that Michelle’s surprise giftie of yummy yummy fudge was a truly wonderful thing. When I got her warning email about a postal package, I fully expected some persimmon jam or jelly, but I did NOT expect fudge as good as my Granny’s!! Kudos, girlie!

The visit to the parents went fine. Mom got me a sewing machine, but upon opening the box and examining it, she declared it to be insufficient and is taking it back. It’s OK with me, cuz I have plenty on my plate at the moment anyway, what with starting my Herbalist classes and the pesky job hogging up all my free time. We also had a FABulous time at Christmas Dinner with Danica and Allen. The food was sumptuous and we appreciate all Dani’s hard work on the dinner!

I just glad it’s over. Only the New Year’s Eve partying is left before the dismal month of January brings fasting and exercise to my door. Pardon me while I curb my enthusiasm.
:-P

funny quote: “The Holidays. More trinkets and stuff to dust – who’s got the time? You know what I’d like for Christmas? UNDERPANTS!” – TV commercial airing this month