Category: 2000

Today, I got a good sign. I pulled the Unlimited Potential card from the Medicine Deck at the Center. I’m thrilled to get this kudo and I certainly hope that the good karma will carry over to my business meeting tomorrow with the Logo People (Wolfbrook). These are the new clients that contracted us a couple of weeks ago.

So, all’s well with that, they love the logo, they’ve signed the letter of agreement and I expect to be $450 richer on Saturday. Much needed money, of course. Me and my money karma, you know…

This is from the last Rant: “I found myself angrily writing an email to him, so I printed it…” As my friends know, I’m not much for sitting on my feelings or holding back my objections if I feel the need to Rant. I get very antsy if I have the feeling that there are unspoken resentments floating around. Like now. I feel there are unspoken resentments with some of my close friends (you know who you are). Not that I *want* there to be, mind you, but I get the feeling that I’ve said something along the way that has brought up some sort of objection. Of course, I could be totally wrong and just having a paranoid fugue or something… If so, then the feeling will pass and I’ll forget about it.

I wish that I could be totally laid back and unconcerned about life’s little injustices and inequities, but I just can’t. It’s just not in me to sit back and let it all go. Like, for instance, this whole email problem that I had with NameSecure last week. Sure, I could have just kept calling Customer Service and sitting in the hold queue for hours, but I just don’t work that way. I did my own tech support, found the cause of the error, contacted the people in charge of the hardware that gave the error and got it fixed, ALL before NameSecure could even figure out who was in charge of the department that handled email problems!!

Naturally, I had to file a Better Business Bureau report about all of this, just like I did for the Airborne Express clusterfuck the week before. I don’t feel guilty about filing complaints. I truly feel that if *everyone* would complain about shitty service, then we’d have a lot less of it. I think that poor customer service has come from apathetic customers who just take it, rather than speak up about it. After all, it does take some effort to gather up your complaint and write it down and then send or email it to the proper department or the BBB. But it’s worth the effort! I got a call from the Office of the President of Airborne Express about my complaint and I’m very happy to report that the asshole who treated me badly has lost his position because of it. So THERE!

Also from last time, [the woman who wouldn’t make a decision until her hubby gave the OK]: “We were discussing a trade for services: a small website designed by me in exchange for 2 passes to a class that she teaches.” Well, she got the gumption to do the site. I’m happy that she is going to do it and I can take the creativity class, too. The Respect Meter ™ is still low, but I feel better about her ability to learn how to stand up for herself.

Back to the theme of unspoken truths. If you feel something to be true, then why not speak it? Why not throw it out there for perusal and make it real? I’ll never understand the logic of only acknowledging your true feelings as long as they are secret. (?) I know I’m an exhibitionist (in more ways that one!) and I have found my niche here with semi-public blogging and I know that it’s truly not for everyone. But I also know that speaking your mind is very cleansing. It also makes what you think a reality. I try very hard to not harbour little bullshit grievances. I either say them or I eliminate them totally [usually by dreaming it or visualizing it then letting it go].

“I’m glad to be a bitchy feminist!” Umm, yep, I’m still running with this. It works for me. :-)

Well, perhaps not quite that dramatic, but definitely a week for the books!

Actually, I’ll have to back up to the trip to KnoxVegas for Labor Day weekend to give the full effect of my whirlwind week. Anyway, Andy and I went up to visit my family for a few days to get the rest of our stuff and let Andy say goodbye to my family since we are no longer in the same relationship as we have been for 8 years. It was difficult, but it went well.

We get back here on Wednesday and I find messages from old clients and my soon-to-be-new one, so I had to hit the ground running. I was emotionally tired and kinda sickly from the trip, and I was not really in the mood to be pushed, ya know? So, I get everything under control and call Nick the next day to find out what he’s done for the presentation that we have on Saturday, only 2 days away. He’s done nothing. So we proceed to have a little verbal scuffle and hang up. He did the work.

I found myself angrily writing an email to him, so I printed it instead and gave it to him on Friday. We had our first fight! It was a good, fair fight and it has helped us immensely. So ends the Agony part.

Now for the Ecstasy part!

On Saturday, Nick and I gave our little informal presentation and landed the job. WOW! We are doing a logo/ID system for a small dog training facility in Alpharetta. Our first ‘real’ gig as a team! It’s not a huge chunk of money, but it’s pretty big to us and we are thrilled. We were whooping and hollering as we drove away from the client’s house. I’m still not sure it’s all real. It’s just too good to be true! The new American Dream: doing what you love and getting paid for it. Yeah, baby, YEAH!

Here it is, Tuesday, and I’m still all aglow.

On a different note, I met a woman today who epitomizes the powerless little girl syndrome. She started me thinking about feminist things and I realized that I’m much more of a feminist than I’d realized! Heh, imagine that! We were discussing a trade for services: a small website designed by me in exchange for 2 passes to a creativity class that she teaches. She starts off with “Well, my husband doesn’t think I should do this.” (?) I ask her why and she says that he thinks that they should do it themselves so she doesn’t spend money on the design. Keep in mind that this is TRADE we’re talking about here! I point this out and ask her if her husband runs her business, to which she titters, “oh, NO, not really”. It went downhill from there. She is obviously a subbie to her husband, and this comment almost made me laugh out loud, she said: “I have problems voicing my opinions”. No, really? Ya think?

I immediately lost all respect for her. I know we [womyn] should all stick together and all that, but damn, I just can’t respect women like that. I can’t respect anyone like that. I know I’m a hell bitch and all, but I’ve reigned in my outspoken nature as much as I can for this life! Meeting women like this one just makes me feel like I should be even more recalcitrant to make up for the ones who are doormats like her. I’m too indignant as it is.

Our meeting ended with her giving me disclaimers about how great her husband is in the same breath that she’d given me a list of stuff not to say if I talk to him! I advised her to talk to him herself since I was definitely too aggressive of a woman to deal with a man who is used to ‘nice’ girls like she is. Can’t you just see it?? This insecure asshole of a guy getting in my face about how much Macs suck and how great Front Page is, then ME telling him to get fucked!! Oh, yeah, that’d be a show alright! As much as I’d adore flaying him, I think the Nice Girl would just die.

I met another woman lately that just floored me with her self loathing and below zero self esteem. She only dates those really cute assholey guys who are brazenly misogynistic and like to hit. But, OH, they are so pretty. Oh, yeah, what a PRIZE. Gawd, I’m glad to be a bitchy feminist! At least I can look at myself in the mirror and be empowered enough to run my own life! My lovers may not be models, but they are guaranteed to be of a strong constitution and good sense, cuz I don’t pull any punches and I will NOT take any bullshit. I wish there were more women like me out there. Bitches of the world UNITE!

I often wonder what the hell is going on. I’m talking about the large, economy sized sense of “What the HELL is going ON?“, not the small, travel sized one. The last couple of weeks have been by turns, very good, very bad and very surreal. I’ve had flashes of insight and neurotic collapse. I’ve had the agony and the ecstasy, the hangover and the bloody finger. Gawd!

Let us start with the bad – just to get it over with, shall we? OK. I had two emotionally fucked up days this week. Two weeks ago, I’d spent the weekend in KnoxVegas with the freakin’ family. That is most always a bummer. I got paid for some work I did, but the money is already spent and I’ve no idea where next month’s rent is gonna come from. Goddammit. I made a fabulous client contact: dropped everything, ran over there, fixed his computer with the hope of more work, but nooooooo, no more work for me. Goddammit. OH, but I am “the official Mac Chick”. Great, that and $600 will pay the fucking rent. Nick cut the hell out of his fingers on Sunday and after ungracefully passing out on the couch, I hauled him to the hospital. Damn good thing he wasn’t hemorrhaging, since I can’t keep vertical during a fucking crisis. Goddammit. I’m such a pussy!! Thanks to Dr. Andy for not being a pussy and helping with Nick.

Now the surreal parts. Realizing that Andy really is moving away. Not having the sound of FlowMasters any more. Noticing that nothing has been sorted or packed for Andy’s impending move. Having large amounts of separation anxiety about all this. Realizing how much I’ll miss Hobbes’ belly sessions. Being called a fiancée. Discovering, unsurprisingly, that I’ll have no money for rent and having absolutely NO CLUE what to do. Which leads the next discovery of how much I’ve become assimilated into the world according to Andy and Angie. Hearing lots of scientific information fall from my lips. Seeing the true nature of my relationship with Andy and feeling very, very sad about having to change all that. Feeling hope that we’ll hook up again in the Bay area and have dinner at least once a month. At least.

Oh, God. I guess that sort of overlaps the bad parts… It must, otherwise, why would I be so upset?

It’s hard to find the good parts after that, but if I don’t, I may just break down entirely and totally ruin Andy’s work session. So, onward to the good parts. The trip home was not as bad as I thought it’d be. The family responded well to the news that Andy and I are “revamping” our relationship. I felt a glimmer of support from my mother, of all people. I got support from my Granny and my Daddy. I’ve eaten out a lot. I’ve taken time out for myself. I’ve realized how much I’ve influenced the lives of those I love. Both for good and bad. And how it’s changed me. I’ve laughed a lot. I’m finally convinced that Andy and I will stay in touch. I’ve done nice things for my friends. I’ve shared some really great moments with Andy. I’ve shared some quality time with Nicholas. I’ve enjoyed the sound of kitties purring. I’ve been the recipient of some powerful mojo from my newly discovered healer: Nicholas. I had a really fun drunk with Andy.

I am such a lucky girl to have two such totally awesome men in my life. And such an emotional wreck! I’ve been hearing the song “Sour Girl” by STP a dozen times a day and I can’t help but see the correlation to my life and how Andy must feel now:

“She turned away
what was she lookin’ at?
She was a sour girl
the day that she met me.
Don’t turn away-
what was she lookin’ at?
She was a happy girl
the day that she left me.
Hey, what are you lookin’ at?
She was so happy on the day that she left me, the day that she left me, the day that she left me…”

I feel like I was a sour girl for a long time and now I’m not. And I’m a happy girl just as I’m leaving Andy. God, I’m a wreck. What in the blue fuck am I supposed to do to get through this? That trazadone in my medicine cabinet is sounding better and better…

But don’t worry, my dears. I’m not in a depression, I’m just blathering and whining. I’ve decided “what the fuck?” I may as well just blab this stuff here as anywhere. At least I can get it all out. And I feel that I really need to get it OUT. So there it is. Send your complaints to the management.

noon-ish

ANOTHER Rant. This must be some sort of twisted need that I’ve uncovered…

Quote from the book that has caused this outburst:

“…and inside me would be a howling so fierce I couldn’t believe the sounds weren’t coming out of my eyes, out of my ears, from beneath my fingernails. I couldn’t believe we weren’t both astonished…at this sudden excess in me, this unmanageable mess. There were a couple of times I tried to start telling you about it. But I couldn’t do it. There were no words.”

from The Pull of the Moon by Elizabeth Berg