I just watched part of a movie that was on HBO when I turned on the TV for the exercise DVD. It triggered a strong reaction in me that was unexpected.
The movie was about, well, it doesn’t matter what the movie was about, what matters is that it brought up my feelings about humans being so smart and so stupid at the same time. Why are we so hard headed and selfish? Why can’t we just be honest with each other, work things out and move on? Why is it so hard to say what’s in our hearts?
Lots of reasons I guess. For me, I’m always saying things the wrong way or not saying all of what I’m thinking which leads to the wrong conclusions by others. Yes, I’m opinionated, but I do have a lot of feelings that I don’t talk about as well – feelings that would explain my outbursts and soften them, but I just don’t bother to fill in the blanks. I suppose I expect others to ASK if there is something they need clarified.
Right now, I feel sad about some people I know. I’m sad that they are upset, I’m sad that they are so stuck, I’m sad that I cannot in any way help. All I do is make it worse. I have certain feelings about events that have happened and I’d love to write a long letter to explain everything in detail, but it wouldn’t help. The letter would be construed as an attempt to twist things to my will or it would be taken as yet another act of war (a war that doesn’t exist to me at all).
I’d love to spill my heart and say every last thing on my mind, but it wouldn’t work. It wouldn’t represent anything at all to them. They wouldn’t even understand that it IS coming from my heart and it is important to me. All of this is important to me.
The thing is, I love my life. I’m happy, really happy. Nick and I have carved out our little niche in the world and we have a wonderful circle of friends that we enjoy and life is good. Now, why would I want to compromise that?
I don’t. I don’t want to compromise. Not any more. I don’t feel bad that we’re doing well. I don’t feel bad that we have a security system and we like to garden. I don’t feel bad that I dislike certain people – I have damn good reasons. I don’t feel bad that I rant and rave. I don’t feel bad that we’ve moved beyond where we were 2 years ago.
I am content to carry on with our life as it is. I don’t need to bring more people onboard – our group is great. I made an OFFER to share our general good fortune and good will. Apparently that offer has been rebuffed, and that’s totally cool.
I just think that some discussion should ensue, that’s all. This not talking thing really sucks ass. But I’m not going to write that letter or make that phone call. I’m not going to push anything. I’d rather walk away than cause more strife and drama. Anything I say ends up being a tempest in a teacup.
So, this is me, walking away. You know how to find me if talking is desired.