Look, I know I’m a hard ass, OK? I realise that people lie to me to insulate themselves from my unabashed, non-doily covered truth bombs.
I get that, I really do.
However.
I’d like to state right now that I often know when I’m being lied to – I have a sense about that – and I may or may not acknowledge that fact. At this point in my life, I will likely NOT say anything about it, just file it away for future reference. Another fun fact: I have a very long memory. And I do keep score.
It’s also a fact that I may or may not hold the lies against the person lying. Sometimes I just set the lies aside and continue being friends, but keep my guard up. Since I feel that everyone lies all the time, I have to make choices to set aside these lies, or I’d not have any friends at all. As it is, I have very few people that I call FRIEND. I have no truly close friends other than Nick. I have been burned too many times to get involved very deeply with people’s bullshit.
All that being said, I still love my tribe and I enjoy the friends I have, both nearby and far away. I love having parties and socializing, but it takes me much longer to recharge after these social things than it used to. We’ve got two cons booked for May and I know I’ll be decimated after the second one. I have to deal with the public for 12 hrs a day at the cons and then I have to deal with the minions manning the table and loadout. It is A LOT. I’m old, I’m jaded, I’m tired and it’s really difficult for me to do all of this these days.
I guess I just wanted to write this out to state, as clearly as I can, where I am with people, lies and assorted bullshit and how I got here.
As a child, my family lied to me about all sorts of things. If I asked a question that my parents didn’t know the answer to, they’d make something up and I’d believe them. Then I’d repeat this to other kids and get ridiculed. Y’all wonder why I am an info and research junkie? Well, now you know. I seem contrary to many people since I will challenge statements that I have doubts about. I also seem like a know it all to people because, um, I do actually have a VERY broad knowledge base (mainly due to an excellent memory). The people who dislike me fall into these two categories for the most part. I will also bust out a truth bomb on you if you seem to need one. Many find that off-putting. I GET IT.
I evolved this way as a child because I am very smart and very intuitive. I knew at around age 5-6 that my parents were full of shit and couldn’t be trusted. This is why I take information with a grain of salt and will verify everything myself if it’s important. As I’ve aged and been around many, many people, now I realise that people lie every day for various reasons and friends will lie as well, if it’s in their interests. Getting used to friends lying has been a toughie. Ultimately, it has made me a very guarded, rather distant kind of person and I’m generally OK with that.
I am not mad at anyone, I just felt the need to write out some of the frustration I have when trying to navigate the turbulent waters of PEOPLE. I am not good at placating and I am worse at pretending. I do TRY, though. I really do.
Hoomans are tricksy.
I guess I just need everyone to know that I am tired, I am old, and I see your bullshit. I may or may not hold it against you. I may or may not even acknowledge it. But trust me, I typically pick up on shenanigans. So lie to me if you must, but know the tradeoff: I’ll be [more] distant. I think that’s fair. I try really hard to be a supportive friend, but I know I am not very good at it. I turned of my empathy chip a LONG time ago, because it got me into too much trouble. These days, I try to be supportive, but in a safe way that doesn’t put myself too far out there or get me entangled. I’ve let empathy and enthusiasm get me involved with the wrong fucking people and I don’t need that shit in my life these days. Did I mention I’m old? Yeah.
I don’t like lying and I never will. I don’t like being lied to. But I’ve learned to live with it. The depression, anxiety and overall isolation of the plague has probably ruined me. Most likely ruined me. I know it’s the same for everyone else. So, I see you, fellow hoomans, doing the best you can. Lie if you gotta. Just try to cut me some slack if I get salty about it. With everything else I’m dealing with, I just can’t bother with getting to the bottom of other people’s shit, yanno? But I do suggest coming clean with me at some point, before I just stop dealing with you. Even if I get salty, or pouty, or whatever, it’s best to clean out that list of lies that you’ve told and I’ve kept record of.
I deal with your lies, you deal with my attitude. That seems fair.
Again, I am mad at no one, I just needed to write this out. But feel free to confess your sins if you need to. Confession is good for the soul, right? ;)