Today has been really, really hard. I got Dicken’s blood work back and it’s not good. Not good at all.
His kidneys are not working well. I knew he was sick, but this news has just ruined me. It’s not a matter of IF, it’s a matter of WHEN.
I’m so very sad and upset. He’s 16 and we’ve had a good run, but I didn’t want him to be ill at the end. I wanted him to go quietly in his sleep around age 20 or something. That’s just not gonna happen.
I don’t want to make the decision. I don’t want to choose his fate. If there is a higher being up there, I’m begging: please, PLEASE let him go without my intervention. Please.
I don’t know if I have the strength to take this.
He’s not that ill right now, and this won’t happen in the very near future, but it will happen. I’ll be lucky to see his 17th year. He’s been with me for my whole adult life. He’s my baby. How can I bear being without him?
I’m so very sad. My heart is heavy as a stone.