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The Paradox of Being Fat and Healthy

There was an article about a news anchor who got a snarky email from a dude who said she should not have a public job because she’s fat. (It’s here at Upworthy.) From that article, I found fatnutritionist.com. This site’s author reflects what I’ve been saying for years: you can be fat and healthy.

For the record, I *do* think dieting is a huge problem. I have dieted my whole life and I think it’s what started and ensures my obesity. I think starving so much when I was young messed up my metabolism. I also think that genetics has a HUGE impact on your body type and how much weight you’ll carry. You can NOT fight genetics, people.

I’ve been called fat my WHOLE LIFE. And that’s not a lie, I have BEEN fat my whole life. I was called Fat Pratt in elementary school (this is the first time I’ve publicly admitted that, btw). In High School, I ate saltines for lunch every day and was still 15 pounds heavier than my peers. I didn’t look fat, but at 120 pounds, I certainly FELT it. How crazy is that?

While I’ve always weighed more than the charts say I should, I’ve looked OK. I have photographic evidence that I looked pretty damn fine at 165 pounds (the famous vinyl dress photo). I never looked like I weighed as much as I did – I could always fool the age/weight guessers at the fair. But you know what that does? It sets up a fucked up little vicious circle in your brain that goes like this: you’re fat -> no, I look pretty good -> but look at the scale -> Ok, I’ll diet -> but I look pretty good -> you’re fat. Which leads to constant self loathing and dissatisfaction with yourself. No bueno.

Middle age has been horrific for me. The weight gain is awful and by gods it’s STAYING. I exercise at least 5x/wk. I count calories. I have to wonder, why do I do this? I really think it’s habit at this point. I’ve lived my whole life this way! I agonise over the weight, exercise as much as I can without hurting myself and count calories until I’m blue in the face. AND FOR WHAT?

I really can’t answer that question. It’s not like it’s working! Again, how crazy is that? Pretty damn, if you ask me.

I have a beautiful husband who loves me even at this tonnage. Yet I am disgusted with my body and I hate to be touched. It is a BIG problem in our relationship. Some days I feel a bit better about myself, then I get a glance at how fat I am and that’s the end of the self esteem.

THAT is the tragedy of all of it. The self loathing is pretty intense. I try not to indulge it, but it’s there every time I get dressed. It lurks in every corner of my existence.

I’m not into blaming others for my fat ass, but dammit, the societal pressure is pretty huge! NO, it’s not anyone’s fault (including my own, I try to remind myself), but it certainly FEELS like it’s all my fault and I should just stay out of public until I can lose 75 pounds or so. Being at cons is excruciating – despite the fact that I’m surrounded by fat nerds who totally do NOT judge. I feel like a total failure for being unable to shed this weight that’s glommed onto me in the past decade.

Obesity and weight loss are complicated things. They are inexorably linked and so very, very painful for those of us in the never-ending loop. Knowing that there are people out there who are actually exploring this concept of fat and healthy is comforting. People like Linda Bacon (Health at Every Size) who promote the idea that there actually is a wide range of sizes in humans and fat humans can be healthy is a good thing.

But it remains that I don’t WANT to be fat, yet I am. And it hurts my psyche every single day. I wish society would cut me a little slack. But even if attitudes change, I think the psychological damage is done. I don’t think I’ll ever cut myself any slack.

The paradox of being fat and healthy is that there’s nothing to blame. No disease, no disorder, not a thing to point to and go: “SEE! It’s not my fault!” Therefore it must be YOU. Which is also incorrect, but that’s what you think and feel. It’s insidious.

This is not a “pity me” post or a “fishing for compliments” post or most definitely NOT a “give me advice on diet and exercise” post. It’s just a post about my response to the fat newslady clip and the information I found on Fat Nutritionist and Linda Bacon. My obesity is not something I talk about and I feel it’s about time I did. I wanted to acknowledge that being fat is a shameful thing in this day and age and I’m not immune to those feelings no matter how wrong they are.

We all have our crosses to bear and this is mine. I’m glad to have found some tools to help myself get out of the self loathing and self blaming loop. I hope these tools will help others who are in my boat. I think there are a LOT more of us than we know – just hiding in the fat closet, dying to come out. If I can do it, anyone can.

Thanks to Michelle for a brilliant blog (Fat Nutritionist) and Linda Bacon (Health at Every Size) for doing the work you do. IT DOES MATTER!

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Rainy Oct 1st

I love the weather today! It’s the first of October and the dreary rain is just the ticket. I am determined to enjoy the rainy and cold weather of my last winter in the South. Once we get to the desert, it’ll be pretty much one season all the time. And one time all the time. AZ does not do Daylight Savings. Yay!

I will miss a few things, for sure. Seasons, green grass and trees, my birds, my yard bunnies and this house, even, will be missed. We toyed with the notion of reaffirming the house and refinancing, but ultimately, it’s just not worth it. The place still needs about $10k of rehab (windows, bathroom and kitchen) to be considered “nice”, not to mention it really needs an addition, too. I hope someone can pick it up for $30k and put $30k into it, thus making it above market value. I doubt it in this neighborhood, tho. I rode around the other day and saw a ton of houses for rent from the same owner, which tells me they were sold for a song out of foreclosure and an investor bought them. This ‘hood has reverted to exactly how it was in the late 90s. It’s too bad, but that’s how the market is. Bah.

Speaking of housing, it’s clear we’ll have to pay a LOT more in rent than previously expected. The market in Phoenix is on fire and rentals have gone up several hundred dollars a month since I first started looking early this year. I read an article in the PHX paper that was about how tight the rental market is and how landlords are getting 20 calls for a property the moment it’s listed. Not good for us. I think we’ll end up with Nick out there starting his new job and looking for a place and me being here, waiting for a place to be found. Ugh. My Twitter pal Samantha is in the same situation, only worse, since they want to sell their house. At least I don’t have to worry with that! It’s gonna be challenging, to say the least.

I don’t know how people with human children can put up with the constant whining, being underfoot and all that. Missy Kat has been especially needy this week and it’s driving me mad! She is literally my little furry shadow. This morning, she whined and stomped on me until I got out of bed! WTF? I really don’t know how people can put up with that shit for, like, YEARS. GAH! Yah, no, clearly I do NOT have the patience for children, I can barely deal with cats! This is also why I do not have dogs: they are too needy. Even DJ for all his loviness, is pretty independent. He only asks for lap or whatnot once or twice a day. Missy, however, is like LOVEMEOMGITHASBEENMINUTESSINCEYOUPAIDATTENTIONTOME. Gods.

I really want my Etsy shop to sell out. Go over there and buy some freaking earrings for crying out loud! You know you need some skullies for Halloween or Day of the Dead! GO! For that matter, I’d like for the Think Weasel! shop to sell some shirts, too. They are really cute! You know someone who’s Adorkable, right? Of course you do. :)

We are trying to stop smoking again. I feel like I can do it this time. Of course, I’ve done it before, so who knows if it’ll stick. With the stress of moving, I’m betting I’ll start up again, but for now we’re doing pretty well with it. I severely wanted to last night and did not. Not having any cigs in the house helps, too. The one exception to that is if we get our hands on some real Djarums. Fuck the not smoking, if we can get those, I’ll huff them in a heartbeat! :)

Oh, I wanted to tell you about a couple of movies we’ve watched that are really fun and great for October: Wasting Away and Fido. Both are zombie comedies from a few years ago and both are very entertaining. We highly recommend them for this Halloween season! The Revenant is in Red Box right now, but it’s kinda slow and weird, so it’s more of a meh than the others.

Last week was a tough one. We had some anxiety boil over and I had to deal with the Vile Organ. I hope this week is blissfully calm and bullshit free. Have a good one, everybody! MUWAH!

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Best Laid Plans

Ah, I dunno. We had such plans for this house and most of them did not pan out. We’ve had plans for the comics. Not panning out. Plans for several people – those most definitely did not pan out.

Some days it’s hard to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and carry on. But carry on we must. We continue to save up for our BIG BIG PLAN and hope the gods smile upon us as we carry it out. It’s scary, exhilarating, nauseating and awesome all at once. But mostly scary.

Not much else to say today other than I wish to not dream of today, but of the future.

Sometimes that is a tall order.

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Quickie Chicken Bake

This is a very quick bake made with LOTS of store bought help – so it’s not one for the cookbook, but it’s still really tasty. SEE VARIATION BELOW!!

1 package Perdue Perfect Portions chicken, Italian flavour
1 box Uncle Ben’s Country Inn rice, chicken flavour
1 bag frozen cauliflower
2 cups chicken stock
half cup pine nuts
olive oil
marjoram
parmesan cheese

Heat up the chicken stock to boiling and add rice mix flavourings. Pour rice into 9×12 baking dish then pour in the hot stock. Stir and make sure rice is evenly distributed. Sprinkle in pine nuts. Put chicken breasts on top of rice. Put frozen cauliflower around edge and in between chicken. Douse the cauliflower with olive oil, S/P and a good amount of marjoram. Cover tightly with foil and bake at 375F for about 45 mins. Uncover, sprinkle generously with parmesan and turn up oven to 400F. Bake for another 10-15 mins or so until rice has absorbed the liquid and the veg and cheese has browned.

VARIATION!
Parsley Chicky Bake

Chicken thighs, boneless/skinless
1 box Near East Long grain and Wild rice mix
1.75 cups water and chicken stock (1 cup stock, .75 water) as indicated for rice!
1 large shallot, sliced (or half a red onion)
2 green onions, sliced
half a red bell pepper, diced
handful of flat leaf parsley, chopped
S/P
Meyer Lemon and Sweet Lime marmalade (mine) or store bought orange marmalade
Olive Oil (EVOO)

9×12 baking dish, coated with food release (Pam). Add rice, water and flavour packet for rice. Toss in shallot, green onions and pepper. Season chicken thighs on both sides with S/P. Lay over rice cut side up. Toss in the parsley. Put about a teaspoon of marmalade on each thigh. Sprinkle with EVOO.

Cover with foil and put into a 400F oven for 30 minutes. Remove foil, turn up oven to 425F and let water cook out and chicken get brown for 10 more minutes. That’s it! Delicious!

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Recipes for the sick

So I’ve been sick with Con Crud this week and when I’m sick, all I want is matzoh ball soup and mac ‘n cheese. Matzoh ball soup is easy, just get this:

For mac ‘n cheese, I’m good with Kroger mac ‘n cheese in a box. So I was cooking up some of that the other night and decided to use buttermilk and greek yogurt in it. WOW! It was soooo delicious we ate every bite! I also tossed in some mexican blend cheese, but it was the buttermilk and yogurt that made it. I highly recommend this recipe next time you’re making boxed mac ‘n cheese!

Last night, Nick brought home KFC – which totally hit the spot. It’s amazing to me that the potatoes and coleslaw taste EXACTLY the same as when I was a kid. That is true comfort food!

So, yah, still sickly, but I think it’s breaking up. It’s not that bad, but juuust enough to disrupt sleep and make you miserable. Yuck! At least Nick is feeling a bit better today. Hopefully it’ll go away so we can get this place back in shape this weekend. :)