Time Flies

When your whole life is changed!

I can’t even believe that I’ve not written in over a month. So much has happened I don’t even know where to start! I think I’ll pick up from the last entry…

“I’m a blonde now.” Well, that stayed for about a month. I visited the family hoping for them to freak out and demand that I change it back, only to find that they LOVED it. Go figure. After I returned, I put Manic Panic Vampire Red on it. It ended up magenta, which wouldn’t be so bad, had it covered all of it, but only the bleached parts took, so it was half magenta. I put flamey red over it the next day. The upside is that I now know the limits of what my hair can take before it gets damaged. Michelle still has the magenta pix, and I’ll post them when I get them.

“Nick and I may have a shot at a very large, very lucrative web job.” The job has yet to materialize, even after 2 days of doing comps for the buttpipe who was so interested AND said he’d pay for the comp work. At least the freaking design has not ended up on his site. The comps are here for any of you who want to know if I’m any good. I try to make silk purses out of sow’s ears for these people…
In that same vein, I have just done a job for another marketing company whose website was a real retina burner. I put 14.5 hours into this one, at a mere $35 an hour. The guy knows that I’ll not continue to work for that rate, but I want to get my foot in the door. Look at the heinous original and then my less heinous redesign. It’s a crappy site, but it’s $507.50 more than I had 3 days ago! :-)

“I have so much to do that I’m in procrastinate mode.” Still am, a little, but things have settled into a more productive rhythm. Nick and I are still very involved, but we manage to get a little done. This weekend has been extremely productive since I don’t have him to distract me — but I’m missing him badly now. It’s been 3 days and I’m starting to ache a little. Wow, I can’t believe I just wrote that. Even stranger, I can’t believe I even FEEL that. Isn’t love a strange and cunning beast?

A big thing happened last week: Poetry.com sent me a letter informing me that I’ve been selected as a semi-finalist in the poetry competition and asking me for copyright permissions to print the poem. (!) I don’t even know if this is a legitimate big deal or just a marketing ploy, but in any case, I feel validated and rather stunned to get such recognition. My poem Languorous Solitude will be published in a hardcover coffee table book and I’m in the running for the $1000 prize. Nick was here when I opened the letter and it was cool to share that moment with the person who inspired me in the first place. Of course I called Andy, who was in Chicago that weekend, about 10 minutes after I got over the shock. You can find me at the Poetry website just by searching for the title of the poem.

I’ve also begun a p/t job at Michael’s, an artsy-craftsy supply store. The pay is good for retail, but the asswipe manager has made it into a 5 day a week job and I may have to quit tomorrow unless he will stick to our agreement of 3 or 4 days maximum. I really don’t mind the work, and it’s good to have some cash coming in ALL the time, instead of every now and then, but 8-2 M-F is NOT a part time job in my book, especially since he said that 3 days a week would be fine at the interview. I can’t work for $7 an hour at the expense of my web work and support clients that pay me 5 to 11 times that per hour. I guess Nick and I will have to shop quickly to take advantage of my 25% discount before I dump them!

Wow, I just realized that I’ve been keeping this journal for almost a YEAR! I really cannot believe it’s been a year. My stars, where does the time go? I can’t wait to see where we all end up a year from now…

Margaritas and Street Art

Well, just when I think that my life can’t get any weirder…

Friday night, Andy and I went out to eat Mexican and drink margaritas for Cinco de Mayo. 2 kickass margaritas and 2 beers later, we are strolling back to the car in Little 5 Points and I glance across the street, noticing some black guy putting down a bedroll. I thought he was just a vagrant or whatever, when I look at what he’s facing. He is facing a tree with small black and white TVs hanging in it. NO LIE. I immediately say to Andy: HEY, LOOK, an art installation!! So we cross the street and ask the guy what’s up with the art. He chuckles and says that I’m the first person to notice that what he has done is actually ART.

He asks us to sit down, so we do, thus becoming PART of the art, rather than looking AT the art. So, we are sitting in this parking lot, in front of a tree with 5 small B&W TVs hanging in it, with unique static on each one. We *are* the art. COOL.

After a bit he rolls up a blunt and we all get toasted, then we really start to talk some stoned shit about art and where he got his concept for this. He said that he’d dreamed it, but in the dream there were hundreds of tiny TVs about the size of grapefruits all over the tree. Of course that is very cost prohibitive, so he rounded up 5 little B&Ws to see how it would look. We agreed that the unique static on each TV was the coolest part of the concept. Tourists (people who live Outside The Perimeter in Atlanta, but come Inside The Perimeter to see the freaks in Little 5 Points on the weekends) were passing by and looking at us and the TVs with trepidation and fear. It was truly a surreal experience.

Of course, after the blunt we were waaaay past trippin’ so we stumbled to the car and headed home. Naturally, we stopped at our neighborhood bar, Trackside Tavern, where all CRUNK Decaturites end up late at night and had a couple of Cider Jacks to make sure we were indeed fucked up before we went home. It worked! :-)

Cuisinarting as an Art Form

Remember my comment about the verb Cuisinarting? Well, it is a new verb that refers to what happens to your life when *everything* changes at once.

Like the new love in my life. Wow! That has really rocked my world. Along with the creativity and the amazing energy, there is the element of change that must be dealt with. My SO has had to undergo a major shift in his life due to my changes. It’s not that I love him any less, it’s that I’ve met my spiritual partner and now everything is different.

I’m a blonde now. Heh, for REAL! I did it for the Studio 54 party on April 15 (yes, there are pix trapped in the analog camera that must be developed) and decided to keep it until the roots get too annoying (that pic is from the arcade party at Richard’s last weekend). I want to do purple and blue, but the next item will explain why I can’t do that right this minute.

Next item: Nick and I may have a shot at a very large, very lucrative web job. Purple hair would NOT do for bidding on a ‘real’ job.

“…but I doubt she’ll bother to pick up the friendship again.” I’m such an asshole sometimes. We’ve gotten past the brief bit of sniping and all’s well. I really don’t have any idea what all that was about. (?)

The Studio 54 party was not really that great. We had X, but unfortunately it was crap and we spent hours waiting for nothing, then skipped to the sleepy afterglow without ever getting off. Bummer. I do have pix, though, and I’ll assemble them soon. No, really, I will.

I have so much to do that I’m in procrastinate mode. I HATE that! I’ve been so goddam distracted by all my personal changes that I’ve gotten precious little done with anything else in my life. My freebie/trade work has been neglected and I MUST get crackin’ on that! Centerforholistichealth.com needs a complete overhaul, THIS site needs new design work that I actually like, and AMUG is neverending. And Adele is about ready to get her site up. ACK! And this is all FREE or TRADE, mind you.

Speaking of Adele, I had a regression session (heh, nice rap there) with her last Wednesday. What a trip! I found out that I use self hypnosis all the time – it’s just like plain old hypnosis, but without a guide! We asked about my inability to make or have money. As it turns out, I have separation anxiety from when I was originally chosen to be incarnate. It causes me great sadness and loss EVEN NOW. These feelings have filtered down into my conscious being as a lack of abundance. My Inner Warrior (usually referred to as the Inner Child) is all about guarding me from what *she* sees as unfairness, but in actuality, it is her that keeps the separation anxiety alive and makes everything hard for me. At least I have a clue about what the hell is going on! I also asked about the connection to my spiritual partner and it seems that our connection is very old indeed. It felt primeval in its intensity. The truly trippy thing about this connection is that he felt a sudden rush of energy at the same moment that I was feeling it in session. Weird.

So, I now feel very qualified in my assertion that I have raised Cuisinarting to an art form.

Make New Friends

… and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. That’s a song we used to sing in Girl Scouts, and I always thought it made sense, despite the cutesy tune that goes with it. More on this topic shortly, but first and foremost: SORRY to be such a slack-ass that I only write once a month! I have an excuse, several, actually, so bear with me.

OK, one big thing: Blogger. This site is the very latest in web blogging, for those of us who are programming impaired! It is a way to remotely input your web log (BLOG, get it?) and upload it to your site in a specific format. It saves all that logging into FTP and other messiness, but most importantly, it allows you to update your blog anywhere, anytime. It totally kicks ass. I want to work for them. Badly. I think I may put the ole blog in here, but I kinda want this area to be more of an essay area and the blog more of an often updated random thought log up front.

I’ve been suffering one helluva case of spring fever. Really.
I’ve gained a new influence in my life. He is someone I met months ago but when our paths crossed again about 3 weeks ago, we clicked. Like, *really* clicked. I don’t know what to think about it just yet, but this energy that has been sparked is amazing. My creativity has soared and my money situation has improved dramatically. It’s all that second chakra stimulation, no doubt! It’s nice to have someone to talk to who has similar interests and lots of newness to keep my attention. More about this as it develops. Prolly. Maybe. Or not. >:->

I’ve had a falling out with another friend (who shall remain nameless here). It was not at all unexpected, but still disappointing. She moved away a couple of months ago and sold herself into corporate slavery never to be heard from again. It’s too bad, but friendships need care and she just does not get that. She thinks that it’s “coddling” to answer a simple email or make a quick call. OH, and it’s OK for her to let a stupid job eclipse her whole life, but how many times have I listened to her bitch about her husband doing the exact same thing? She is young and she married someone just like herself. Never a good idea. Self absorption is self absorption, even if it’s shrouded behind the auspices of the 12 hour work day. It still boils down to a primary lack of concern for anyone else’s feelings. I wish she’d thought about the way her husband made her feel before she got totally bitter on me. I really liked her, too. Still do, but I doubt she’ll bother to pick up the friendship again.

Hmmm, what else? Blogs, new lovers, lost friends… OH, of course! We need rock ‘n roll! I just ordered 2, yes, 2 FIXX CDs from CD NOW cuz I’ve been craving Reach the Beach for about 3 months. I also got the new Sting record: Brand New Day. I am totally in love with Desert Rose. It is electronica with some Indian dude singing and very danceable.

I’ve been partying a lot, too. I went out dancing Friday night (Durran, the awesome Goth DJ in the front room at The Vault) with the usual crowd: Allen, Dani and Andy. They watched, I danced. Then Saturday, we went to a house party at my friend Alex’s place. Ewww, that was a clusterfuck, if ever there was one! No, not the party, but the total breakdown of our little group. Foolishly, I’d invited my new friend to go out with “us” (me, Andy, Dani, Allen) and it ended up being 2 factions, with me in the middle. It sucked. It seems that Dani and Allen are not dealing well with my new situation and they felt the need to grill my new friend for most of the party. Luckily, he is none the worse for wear. Now, what to do with *them*?? Tying up and spanking is only an incentive for these people!

So, friends can be fun and a pain as well, but I suppose it’s worth it. And HEY, the Girl Scouts would never use a song with bad advice! :-D

Leap Year is Cool!

I think it’d be cool to have a leap year birthday.

But that’s not why you’re here, is it, Constant Reader? You’re here for more ranting, more gnashing of the teeth, more angst, aren’t you?
Heh, heh, and you shall HAVE it!

As you know from the front page, I was visiting the familial units last week. My Dad has prostate cancer, so I wanted to go forth and see how they were holding up. To my surprise, everyone seemed relatively sane and sensible–although they do tend to play pretend when I’m around, due to their fervent belief that I am a) flighty b) unstable and c) unable to be of any assistance whatsoever.

It has become my mission to prove them wrong and be helpful during this time, as long as it does not require donning latex gloves. Ick. Hey, my brother the paramedic can do *that* stuff. Not me, man!

While I was in Knoxville, I hooked up with my friend Brian briefly. We went to the TEE-ired gay bar The Carousel and watched the drag show. While there, I ran into this guy that is a friend of my brother’s, so I had to sit there and chit chat about my family with him for half an hour. He introduced me to his bleached-and-permed girlfriend and I simply gave a polite hello – due my lack of interest and the fact that I do not know this girl. When she went away to dance some more, the guy turns to me and says: “Well, you sure were all business with [blahblah]!” He seemed to have some sort of issue with my coolness toward the waif, like he expected me to immediately start telling her my life story or something. To nip this whole stupid discussion about why I only said hello rather than chat up this girl, I simply said something to the effect of “Oh, well, SORRY, but I’m from a big city so cut me some slack”. Thankfully, the place was closing, so I didn’t have to put up with him anymore anyway, but *still* I was irritated by the redneck insinuation that I was being rude. I was NOT.

I finished Little Altars Everywhere by Rebecca Wells. I didn’t think I’d really get into it, but as it turned out, that book touched on a nerve or two. The book is written from the perspective of various members of a Louisiana family. The story is always present tense, but some of it is in the past and some of it is current. [This is a part of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood trilogy. -A]

The character of Siddalee reminds me of myself as I struggled to grow up with little help from my parents. My mother was not neglectful like Siddalee’s, but she did not have the ability to connect with me at all, so I ended up keeping to myself and deciding things for myself at an early age. The end result for me and the character is similar, however. I feel a longing to be a part of my family and their small town, yet I am not able to do it. I can’t bear the backward attitudes, the narrow mindedness, the accent, the tiny little sphere of existence that is their world. I got rid of the Tennessee accent, moved to a large city and began to build my life without the support of my family. It was a choice I had to make to keep my sanity and the family cut me off because of it. That makes me sad, but I stand by my decision.

The parallels continue, in that Siddalee’s little brother chose to stay in the small town, and he resents her moving away. Just like my little brother. I hate that he feels that way, but on the other hand, I’m about 1000 times happier than he is, so I guess I did the right thing.

After I had stopped bawling about all this, I saw a plastic shoebox of photos under the nightstand, so I pulled it out. It was full of pix I’d seen a hundred times, but they were all mixed up: my brother at 2 years, me at 10, my Granny in the 60’s, my Mom with me as a newborn, my father as a teen in the navy, my Mom’s grandmother, my father’s grandfather, me and my brother at my Granny’s in the 70’s, my father’s navy portrait, my mother in her 8th grade prom dress, my Papaw and Granny dressed up for Easter in the 50’s or early 60’s, my aunt and uncle at party for my Granny in the 60’s, me, my bro and our friend in high school around 1980 [WOW I was skinny!!], on and on.

I realized that that box of photos was like life: mixed up, entangled, out of order. And with this realization, I began to bawl all over again! Once I calmed down again, I felt very calm and grateful and GOOD. I am grateful for my fucked up family because we ARE family and we love each other in our own ways, despite everything else. It is my goal to reestablish some sort of connection with them in some way.

I think I understand the saying “it’s all good” now. Because it is. All the stuff that makes up this clusterfuck we call life is good. I guess I just forget that sometimes.

[I wish I could report that I ever did get back “in” with my family. I did not. We are currently not speaking. :( -A March 2015]