Doctah Ray

11:30pm

Andy is now DOCTOR Ray. Wow! Finally! It was such a relief that I thought I was gonna burst into tears in the middle of his defense. It was intense. He is currently in Boston, learning the technique that he’ll be using at Stanford. They will be studying zebra fish. Hey, it’s better than RATS!

It’s been weeks, I know. It’s been a month since a Rant, but that is gonna change in just a few minutes. I’ve been through a lot and there is too much to say, so that means that I won’t say much. Funny how that works. :-> Privacy is one of the issues that I’ll be talking about.

My mother asked me for a page of letterhead the other day. It’s so she can give it to my brother’s custody lawyer to prove that I’m not a devil worshiper. (?) Whatever. Those people are just too ignorant for words. Don’t they know all about *this* site that worships all things of the Left Hand Path?? Uh, well, yeah, it’s not even amusing to me anymore. Just annoying and irritating. What my family does best…Well, I’m off to Rant…

soopa secret phrase: apples gone bad

Calm Before the Storm, pts 1 & 2

The end is near and thangs are a-changin’. Inside and out. Let’s see, when we last saw our Heroine, she was sharpening sticks for the Board of AMUG… Let’s see what’s up now:

AMUG backed down with a whimper as we all knew they would when the magic words attorney and copyright infringement were invoked. I rock, they suck. The End.

I’ve been very busy with lots of inner workings lately. Although being broke sucks, I am glad to have the free time to work on my inner world. It’s a damn bit cluttered in here, I can tell ya. As some of you know, I’ve been doing Network Spinal Analysis for more than a year now. I got into it totally by accident, well, as much as the Universe allows “accidents”. I took a yoga class from Dr. Deana Guadagno and she lured me to her office to help me with my neck problem. Well, a year later, my neck problem that was actually a hip problem is not an issue anymore, I’ve done much creative work, I’ve become a calmer, more centered person and I feel great. Network ROCKS!

With Andy leaving soon, I’ve been alternately frantic with angst, depressed or in total denial. All this emotional stuff has left me a bit unfocused and that has shown in my work habits. I am lucky to get 2 hours of solid work a day before I wander off to do ?? I don’t even know what I’ve been doing. Contemplating my navel, I suppose.

But despite all this crud, my energy work with Deana has progressed and I’m at the brink of breaking through to the next level. I attended a Clear Day (a group affair with adjustments, yoga, Qi Gong, NLP and SRI) on Sunday that was supposed to just push me right on over, but it backfired and I ended up tired and pissy by the end of the day, with no breakthrough to show for it. I was bitter and angry at the time, but after a 2 hour nap and 10 hours of sleep, I awoke on Monday morning with more focus and clarity that I’ve had in a long time. I spent all day yesterday (monday) doing some therapy work that I’d been putting off for months and now I feel very calm and ready for the challenging weeks ahead. I’ll need all the calm I can get to be able to pack Andy into the truck and watch him drive away. God, it’s gonna hurt. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.

Not much else has changed, fortunately. I’ve got the new IndigoDragon site in the works – if I can get the freakin layers to work with MSIE5 Mac I’ll be happy. The layers work fine with everything except the one browser that is supposed to be the most compliant. Go figure. :-/

Today, during my adjustment, I felt a wave of such intense happiness, gratitude and love wash over me that it took my breath away. Talk about blissed out! I had to hug everybody when I was done. Since I’ve had so much energy trying to move in my body lately, my adjustments have taken on a life of their own. Most of the time I’m totally fucked up when I’m done. I mean can’t walk, feelin’ high, got the munchies kind of fucked up. It’s quite amusing! On Sunday, everyone was like this, and we were all munching like stoners. Heh!

Well, I’ve got to wrap this up and get to bed. I have a call in the morning and I’d like to be halfway conscious when I install the new hardware. I’ll write more as the difficult times proceed.

Peace.

Part 2:

I just realised that I’d not finished my thought about privacy the other night when I wrote this. What I was thinking about was my revelation that I’m much more private that I thought. I mean, I know that I don’t reveal much about myself (despite my chatty demeanor) and I hate marketers and spammers attempting to track me and/or quantify me, but it’s deeper than that. Heh, it just occurred to me that I have a few friends just like me and it makes it damned hard to get close to them…a point that always bothered me. Hmmm. Well, anyway, I play my cards close to the vest and I think that’s the way it’ll stay.

All this came to the surface when I attended the aforementioned Clear Day. I’ve always hated group activities, but this made it clear to me in no uncertain terms that I’m definitely not good at group gropes of the emotional type. Yet, I have people drag me to them all the time – hell, I drag myself to them all the time with bad results. This, in turn, pointed out my inability to ask for what I need from people. Hard to believe, isn’t it?

And all this has to do with privacy, because I finally put together that being in group adjustments is part of what is holding me back with my energy work. I will NOT share my personal emotional crises with just anybody, and having a ‘breakthrough’ in a roomful of people will simply not happen for me. Ever. That was what I had NOT conveyed to Dr. Deana. My need for privacy has changed the way she deals with me and how I deal with myself, too. I now understand more about the way I tick and I think it will help me nurture the parts of me that I need to in order to grow. I feel that I can be much more genuine without having to be guarded now. I don’t know why, exactly, but that’s how it feels. Maybe because I know better what needs to be guarded and what doesn’t??

Ahh, the key you have found, young Skywalker!

Why I’m So Damned Angry

It could be the hormones. It could be that I’m tired. It could be that I am burnt out.

OR IT COULD BE BECAUSE I DON’T LIKE GETTING FUCKED WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A THANK YOU.

I try to take it all with the proverbial grain of salt, but you know, I just can’t be that goddamned generous all the time. I seethe. I harbour ill will. I feel rancor. I want blood. And heads on sticks.

Perhaps I should feel bad about it. But I don’t.

You see, Dear Rantee, I am on a mission to see that atlmug.org no longer exists after tomorrow. It is my fondest wish that those who click the link will get an Error 404 – file not found error or better: There is no DNS entry for atlmug.org. Please check the address and try again.

The people on the Board of Directors of AMUG decided some time ago that they wanted to possibly move the site or have a new web person. Which is perfectly fine with me, as long as I get credit for my work as long as it’s used or they make a new site. AMUG did neither. They plotted to steal the site rather than simply ASK me for it – then they did steal the site and take my name off of it.

Now the buttlicking Chair of the Board (Mike H) is trying to convince me that it wasn’t he that made the decision to steal the site, and I should just calm down about it. Calm down? Calm down?? He can bugger OFF! HE didn’t just finish redoing the site only to have this shit happen. HE didn’t put up with bullshit for 2+ years then have some BITCH steal his work. So, yeah, it’s easy for HIM to be calm. And he is such a Machiavellian liar anyway!! He knew damn well what was up and he didn’t so much as give me a call on the phone – until it was conveniently too late for me to even protest. Bastard.

And let’s not forget the beeyoch who did the deed: Sheryl M. She is the one who called up the host and started some shit, then convinced them that SHE should have access to the FTP site (easier to steal all the files, you see). She had no problem stealing my work, hacking it [badly, I might add] and reposting it on her server. Gee, Web Genius, didja know that it’s a federal offense to do that? Well, you *will* if I have to get a lawyer.

And I fear I *will* have to retain counsel. These fuckers think I’m just playing. They have no idea.

The truly hilarious and ironic thing about all this is that I’d intended to finish up the new site, move it to more stable hosting at Macquarium, then resign as the Webmistress. I’m tired of the site and I’m damned tired of AMUG. I was gonna give them a nice site to use (with my name on the site, of course) and wash my hands of the day to day running of it. But now, NO. I took the site that I’d worked on, stripped it of my CSS, scripts, etc. and sent that to them as an alternative to attempting to hack the other site and being sued for using my code. VERY generous, I think. Will they do the right thing and use the stripped site? Are they smart enough to realize that I will know my code and graphics if they try to use them? Are they so incredibly stupid that they will end up in court over a goddamned User Group website? And lose?

Only time will tell, I suppose. Until then, I’m sharpening my sticks…

Roe v Wade 28th Anniversary

Well, Geedubya is in office and there is much rejoicing in the ranks of the ignorant masses who really think that the president gives a rat’s ass about abortion rights. It’s just another spin issue for ole Geedubya – or any other MAN in charge. All the politicians want is to do what the other party is NOT doing. I saw the pictures of the “christians” sitting on the Capitol steps praying that women’s rights be taken back 28 years and it made me cringe.

I am not pointing the finger solely at Christians, but it seems that religious beliefs are one of the major causes of excessive moralizing and berating others who choose a different path. It seems very UNchristian to wish death upon those who make choices that are not the same as what dogma would suggest. It also seems Unchristian that these very same protesters are not adopting all the unwanted children that result from women who do not get abortions yet cannot or will not take care of the children that they bear. I’ve always thought it very clever for the church to be against abortion and birth control. When’s the last time you saw a black crack baby in a middle class Baptist’s home? Or an inner city Catholic family?

Who is supposed to care for all these children that Operation Rescue works so hard to keep alive? Apparently not Operation Rescue.

And as far as that goes, since when is it acceptable to commit murder of a doctor or anyone just because she does not have the same belief system as the murderer? Hmm, I thought murder was a mortal sin.

I have been harassed for going to a public clinic myself. Never mind that I was there for a regular checkup. Never mind that most of the women were there for just run of the mill stuff. Oh no, that made no difference to the dumbass MAN that was posted outside the clinic to scream at people going in and out. And what the blue fuck does a MAN have to say about it in the first place?? This is in no way a male issue. Men have no business even discussing it much less demonstrating and harassing women about it. I think it’s even a little weird that men want to be gynecologists or OB doctors. Men have no idea what being female is about, what having menstrual pain is about or what having children is about. They really have no place in this realm at all, in my opinion.

I’ve also been accosted by a mob of demonstrators as well. I took a friend of mine for an abortion and the crowd tried to trap my car in the lot. So I just pressed the accelerator and watched them jump back in horror. I have to say that their screams of fear gave me more than a little pleasure. My friend was going through a bad divorce and found out she was pregnant. There was no way she could care for another child (she had a toddler already) and she was quite upset over the whole thing. It was an all round horrible experience and those idiots outside just added fuel to the fire. I was very afraid that they [the crowd] were going to bash my car, but fortunately they did not.

Most women I know have always had the right to choose what to do with their bodies. We have never had to worry about death from a botched abortion. I think we take this right for granted. Did you know that the percentage of the American public that think abortion should NOT be legal has become dangerously close to the percentage of those of us who think it should be legal? That is very disturbing to me. And it should be disturbing to all of us who enjoy our freedom. This is from CNN:

“An exit poll in the presidential election found more voters favored keeping abortion legal, 55 percent to 42 percent. But only 20 percent thought it should be legal in all cases and 35 percent said it should be legal in most cases. ” (The link WAS: http://www.cnn.com/2001/ALLPOLITICS/stories/01/22/bc.abortionpolitics.ap/index.html, but it is gone now, unfortunately. – A)

And while I’m on a ranty roll, I’d like to say that Geedubya is a little weenie moron who knows very few details about what goes on in the US government, yet feels that he should still be able to run things. I’ve already heard him compared to Ronnie I’m-a-vegetable Reagan. Oh, god, now *that* really makes me cringe. Trickle Down Economics, anyone?

Let the Whining Begin!

When January rolls around, it’s the time to examine your past year and reevaluate where you are in relation to where you want to be. This is the time of year that depresses me. I knew that the fear and loathing would catch up to me at some point and it seems that point has happened. I started this Rant over at Blog*Spot just a few minutes ago and I hadn’t intended to write any more about it, but dammit, I need to whine. So whine I shall…

It’s not that I’m totally disappointed in my consulting biz this year. Hell, I saw a significant increase over the previous year with no effort from me at all. But it’s also rather disheartening to realize just how little income you can live on. I think it was Blanche from A Streetcar Named Desire that said the line “I rely on the kindness of others.” I feel that way right now. I feel that I rely too much on the people that love me. It makes me feel very unsuccessful and needy. And depressed, yes, let’s not forget our little friend depression.

I’m working on a little mailer that I plan to send out to graphics/print shops in the area and that makes me feel like I’m doing something, but I still feel the sting of being totally fucking broke and not even having the money to mail the goddamned things once they’re done. That is a total drag. Nonetheless, the mailer will be produced and mailed and then I’ll wait. What else can I do?

We’ve been discussing the move to California a little. With the economy being as volatile as it is and Silicon Valley fast becoming a wasteland of unemployed techies, it doesn’t look like relocation is as much a reality as I’d hoped. I can’t say I’m suprised by this. No, not at all. The Universe is once again fucking with my plans for some unforseen reason and today, it’s just pissin’ me off.

In the meantime, while the mailer does its thing and the Universe fucks with me, I’ve taken on a little part-time job at a small coffee house in my neighborhood. Michael’s Coffees does roasting in house and we plan to add DSL and a hub so customers can surf while they hang out. Of course, I’ll be the one setting up this groovy little LAN. I hope he doesn’t expect me to do techie stuff for $6.50 an hour!! Hrm, I guess I should iron out this little detail with him before we start the work… He also wants me to get him some wholesale bean clients – which I’m happy to do, but I need to negotiate on the pay rate for that as well. I know he’ll pay me commission, but I think I’ll need more than barista pay to go out and find the clients.

I also have to redo that old as hell IndigoDragon.net site. It’s old and stale. I finally moved it to a real host, UrgentHost.com, and I totally LOVE them. It’s self serve, they offer lots more space and bandwidth for less money than he.net and the control panel for administration totally kicks ass. Thanks to Keith for that little nugget! As a matter of fact, I’m truly sick of this site as well. Just look at that nasty list over there. I need to make an index of that crap and put it on an archive page. And just look at the total LACK of coherent design in the whole site. Gawd. Speaking of new design, I’ve redone the sari site over at tripod. I’ve gotten many orders for saris lately, so I decided to get a little stock and see if I can turn it over. If things keep picking up, then I may move it over to f2s.com and pursue that tiny little niche market.

Anything for a buck, you know? Oh, HELL, I guess I should go light that money candle or somethin’. And play the lotto. And do all the spells in Silver’s Spells for Prosperity. Why not? It’s not like I have a life or anything. OK, I feel much better. Thanks for indulging me.