Cuisinarting as an Art Form

Remember my comment about the verb Cuisinarting? Well, it is a new verb that refers to what happens to your life when *everything* changes at once.

Like the new love in my life. Wow! That has really rocked my world. Along with the creativity and the amazing energy, there is the element of change that must be dealt with. My SO has had to undergo a major shift in his life due to my changes. It’s not that I love him any less, it’s that I’ve met my spiritual partner and now everything is different.

I’m a blonde now. Heh, for REAL! I did it for the Studio 54 party on April 15 (yes, there are pix trapped in the analog camera that must be developed) and decided to keep it until the roots get too annoying (that pic is from the arcade party at Richard’s last weekend). I want to do purple and blue, but the next item will explain why I can’t do that right this minute.

Next item: Nick and I may have a shot at a very large, very lucrative web job. Purple hair would NOT do for bidding on a ‘real’ job.

“…but I doubt she’ll bother to pick up the friendship again.” I’m such an asshole sometimes. We’ve gotten past the brief bit of sniping and all’s well. I really don’t have any idea what all that was about. (?)

The Studio 54 party was not really that great. We had X, but unfortunately it was crap and we spent hours waiting for nothing, then skipped to the sleepy afterglow without ever getting off. Bummer. I do have pix, though, and I’ll assemble them soon. No, really, I will.

I have so much to do that I’m in procrastinate mode. I HATE that! I’ve been so goddam distracted by all my personal changes that I’ve gotten precious little done with anything else in my life. My freebie/trade work has been neglected and I MUST get crackin’ on that! Centerforholistichealth.com needs a complete overhaul, THIS site needs new design work that I actually like, and AMUG is neverending. And Adele is about ready to get her site up. ACK! And this is all FREE or TRADE, mind you.

Speaking of Adele, I had a regression session (heh, nice rap there) with her last Wednesday. What a trip! I found out that I use self hypnosis all the time – it’s just like plain old hypnosis, but without a guide! We asked about my inability to make or have money. As it turns out, I have separation anxiety from when I was originally chosen to be incarnate. It causes me great sadness and loss EVEN NOW. These feelings have filtered down into my conscious being as a lack of abundance. My Inner Warrior (usually referred to as the Inner Child) is all about guarding me from what *she* sees as unfairness, but in actuality, it is her that keeps the separation anxiety alive and makes everything hard for me. At least I have a clue about what the hell is going on! I also asked about the connection to my spiritual partner and it seems that our connection is very old indeed. It felt primeval in its intensity. The truly trippy thing about this connection is that he felt a sudden rush of energy at the same moment that I was feeling it in session. Weird.

So, I now feel very qualified in my assertion that I have raised Cuisinarting to an art form.

Make New Friends

… and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. That’s a song we used to sing in Girl Scouts, and I always thought it made sense, despite the cutesy tune that goes with it. More on this topic shortly, but first and foremost: SORRY to be such a slack-ass that I only write once a month! I have an excuse, several, actually, so bear with me.

OK, one big thing: Blogger. This site is the very latest in web blogging, for those of us who are programming impaired! It is a way to remotely input your web log (BLOG, get it?) and upload it to your site in a specific format. It saves all that logging into FTP and other messiness, but most importantly, it allows you to update your blog anywhere, anytime. It totally kicks ass. I want to work for them. Badly. I think I may put the ole blog in here, but I kinda want this area to be more of an essay area and the blog more of an often updated random thought log up front.

I’ve been suffering one helluva case of spring fever. Really.
I’ve gained a new influence in my life. He is someone I met months ago but when our paths crossed again about 3 weeks ago, we clicked. Like, *really* clicked. I don’t know what to think about it just yet, but this energy that has been sparked is amazing. My creativity has soared and my money situation has improved dramatically. It’s all that second chakra stimulation, no doubt! It’s nice to have someone to talk to who has similar interests and lots of newness to keep my attention. More about this as it develops. Prolly. Maybe. Or not. >:->

I’ve had a falling out with another friend (who shall remain nameless here). It was not at all unexpected, but still disappointing. She moved away a couple of months ago and sold herself into corporate slavery never to be heard from again. It’s too bad, but friendships need care and she just does not get that. She thinks that it’s “coddling” to answer a simple email or make a quick call. OH, and it’s OK for her to let a stupid job eclipse her whole life, but how many times have I listened to her bitch about her husband doing the exact same thing? She is young and she married someone just like herself. Never a good idea. Self absorption is self absorption, even if it’s shrouded behind the auspices of the 12 hour work day. It still boils down to a primary lack of concern for anyone else’s feelings. I wish she’d thought about the way her husband made her feel before she got totally bitter on me. I really liked her, too. Still do, but I doubt she’ll bother to pick up the friendship again.

Hmmm, what else? Blogs, new lovers, lost friends… OH, of course! We need rock ‘n roll! I just ordered 2, yes, 2 FIXX CDs from CD NOW cuz I’ve been craving Reach the Beach for about 3 months. I also got the new Sting record: Brand New Day. I am totally in love with Desert Rose. It is electronica with some Indian dude singing and very danceable.

I’ve been partying a lot, too. I went out dancing Friday night (Durran, the awesome Goth DJ in the front room at The Vault) with the usual crowd: Allen, Dani and Andy. They watched, I danced. Then Saturday, we went to a house party at my friend Alex’s place. Ewww, that was a clusterfuck, if ever there was one! No, not the party, but the total breakdown of our little group. Foolishly, I’d invited my new friend to go out with “us” (me, Andy, Dani, Allen) and it ended up being 2 factions, with me in the middle. It sucked. It seems that Dani and Allen are not dealing well with my new situation and they felt the need to grill my new friend for most of the party. Luckily, he is none the worse for wear. Now, what to do with *them*?? Tying up and spanking is only an incentive for these people!

So, friends can be fun and a pain as well, but I suppose it’s worth it. And HEY, the Girl Scouts would never use a song with bad advice! :-D

Leap Year is Cool!

I think it’d be cool to have a leap year birthday.

But that’s not why you’re here, is it, Constant Reader? You’re here for more ranting, more gnashing of the teeth, more angst, aren’t you?
Heh, heh, and you shall HAVE it!

As you know from the front page, I was visiting the familial units last week. My Dad has prostate cancer, so I wanted to go forth and see how they were holding up. To my surprise, everyone seemed relatively sane and sensible–although they do tend to play pretend when I’m around, due to their fervent belief that I am a) flighty b) unstable and c) unable to be of any assistance whatsoever.

It has become my mission to prove them wrong and be helpful during this time, as long as it does not require donning latex gloves. Ick. Hey, my brother the paramedic can do *that* stuff. Not me, man!

While I was in Knoxville, I hooked up with my friend Brian briefly. We went to the TEE-ired gay bar The Carousel and watched the drag show. While there, I ran into this guy that is a friend of my brother’s, so I had to sit there and chit chat about my family with him for half an hour. He introduced me to his bleached-and-permed girlfriend and I simply gave a polite hello – due my lack of interest and the fact that I do not know this girl. When she went away to dance some more, the guy turns to me and says: “Well, you sure were all business with [blahblah]!” He seemed to have some sort of issue with my coolness toward the waif, like he expected me to immediately start telling her my life story or something. To nip this whole stupid discussion about why I only said hello rather than chat up this girl, I simply said something to the effect of “Oh, well, SORRY, but I’m from a big city so cut me some slack”. Thankfully, the place was closing, so I didn’t have to put up with him anymore anyway, but *still* I was irritated by the redneck insinuation that I was being rude. I was NOT.

I finished Little Altars Everywhere by Rebecca Wells. I didn’t think I’d really get into it, but as it turned out, that book touched on a nerve or two. The book is written from the perspective of various members of a Louisiana family. The story is always present tense, but some of it is in the past and some of it is current. [This is a part of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood trilogy. -A]

The character of Siddalee reminds me of myself as I struggled to grow up with little help from my parents. My mother was not neglectful like Siddalee’s, but she did not have the ability to connect with me at all, so I ended up keeping to myself and deciding things for myself at an early age. The end result for me and the character is similar, however. I feel a longing to be a part of my family and their small town, yet I am not able to do it. I can’t bear the backward attitudes, the narrow mindedness, the accent, the tiny little sphere of existence that is their world. I got rid of the Tennessee accent, moved to a large city and began to build my life without the support of my family. It was a choice I had to make to keep my sanity and the family cut me off because of it. That makes me sad, but I stand by my decision.

The parallels continue, in that Siddalee’s little brother chose to stay in the small town, and he resents her moving away. Just like my little brother. I hate that he feels that way, but on the other hand, I’m about 1000 times happier than he is, so I guess I did the right thing.

After I had stopped bawling about all this, I saw a plastic shoebox of photos under the nightstand, so I pulled it out. It was full of pix I’d seen a hundred times, but they were all mixed up: my brother at 2 years, me at 10, my Granny in the 60’s, my Mom with me as a newborn, my father as a teen in the navy, my Mom’s grandmother, my father’s grandfather, me and my brother at my Granny’s in the 70’s, my father’s navy portrait, my mother in her 8th grade prom dress, my Papaw and Granny dressed up for Easter in the 50’s or early 60’s, my aunt and uncle at party for my Granny in the 60’s, me, my bro and our friend in high school around 1980 [WOW I was skinny!!], on and on.

I realized that that box of photos was like life: mixed up, entangled, out of order. And with this realization, I began to bawl all over again! Once I calmed down again, I felt very calm and grateful and GOOD. I am grateful for my fucked up family because we ARE family and we love each other in our own ways, despite everything else. It is my goal to reestablish some sort of connection with them in some way.

I think I understand the saying “it’s all good” now. Because it is. All the stuff that makes up this clusterfuck we call life is good. I guess I just forget that sometimes.

[I wish I could report that I ever did get back “in” with my family. I did not. We are currently not speaking. :( -A March 2015]

Bam! That’s it! A Real Rant!

I have so totally HAD IT.

I’m not kidding. Just let me tell you:

1. I’m still pissed off about the Salon article not giving me a link.

2. The goddamn Apple job didn’t happen. And all I got was this lame ass form letter. Lame emails with no clue as to why you got cut SUCK.

3. I worked like a fiend last week and all the money went to pay *some* of the piled up bills. Having a great freelance week has the bad effect of making me think that I just may be able to get by without continuing this stupid job search.

4. Michelle and Tim have moved. I miss doing the goth thing with M.

5. The online order from AzureGreen got fucked up. No Witches Datebook for ME. those people are just toooo goddamned laid back. I called to try and return the item I didn’t really want, but the guy sounded so stoned that I decided it wasn’t worth the $10 to hassle with a stoner. Oh, well, I needed a pentagram anyway. :-/  Placed yet another order for the Datebook with the publisher. Maybe, just maybe…

6. I went to yet another LAME interview today. It really pissed me off, so I stopped at the huge Goodwill used book sale and bought 9 books for $9.50 on the way home. Here’s what happened:

So I get up at 8am, get ready and trot my happy ass 40 minutes to the fucking ‘burbs. I walk in and tell a guy who I am, etc. and he says OK, then as I was walking to a chair I hear some harpie say “HERE!” and as I turn around, I see a clipboard hit the receptionist desk. It was the LAME application. I pick it up and fill it out. I toss it back on the desk when I’m done. Oh, yeah, I can see where this is headed. In a minute, here comes the guy I’m supposed to talk to. He says “Hi, I’m Steve”, turns on his heel and sprints down the hall. I trot behind, cursing a blue streak in my head. He gets to his office, and says “Here is my office”. He sits and I sit. There are 2 Macs, and the one I’m in front of is a 9500 running system 7.5.3 (fer cryin’ out LOUD that’s like 3.11 for all you PC people). He says: “That Mac is old and crappy”. I say, “Well, it’s OS needs an upgrade, but it’s a 9500, and that’s better than what I have at home!”. He stares blankly at me and then tells me the exact same shit he told me on the phone: “We make stickers here, blah blah”. Then he stands and turns toward the wall with his framed sticker display, with his BACK TO ME and proceeds to tell me all about his stickers and how they always are perfectly on the “ISO standard”. Whatever the hell *that* is. No eye contact. He then gives me the “tour” of the plate and film room that lasts all of 30 seconds. Then he says he’s going to get the Production Manager–but returns 15 seconds later to inform me that “he’s too busy to talk”. I ask him if he has any questions for me and he again stares blankly and says “Well, my boss has to decide who he wants, so I guess he’ll call you for another interview”. That’s it. He stands, sprints to the front door and doesn’t even thank me for coming out there. I was there all of 15 minutes.

I swear I am NOT making this up. These stupid fucking people think that you have nothing better to do than waste time and gas going all over hell’s half acre to talk to some moron who doesn’t even have the power to hire you in the first place. WHY are companies like this? Is it stupidity? Insensitivity? Moronic managers? WHAT? All *this* for a freaking PART TIME JOB. Give me a break! Are companies so completely self involved that they can’t even conduct a stupid interview? 15 minutes of no eye contact mumbling is what I get? Christ, at least offer me some lube and a cigarette!

THIS is why I have not gotten a part time job. THIS is how applicants are treated, apparently. No courtesy, no connection, no questions about who you are or what you’re about. No feedback about whether you’ll get the idiotic job or not. It’s insane. I am horrified. I feel used. I feel insignificant.

AND for #7, my father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. This, on top of emphysema, depression and a degenerative bone disease than eats his bones right out of his body. Nice. The good (?) news is that they have caught the cancer early, so it’ll probably be contained.

Oh, yeah, it’s been a stellar week. I feel persecuted by the gods. And very tired.

Eclipses, Snags and Pro bono

Ok, so I haven’t been myself lately. Ever since the full moon with a lovely eclipse a week ago, I’ve been very distracted and unable to get anything done.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Oh, but one really BIG thing happened: I was interviewed for a Salon article!! I was so stoked about it that I tweaked my ID site to death in preparation for hits–only to NOT get a link from the article. WAH! Of course I didn’t say anything to Donna Ladd about it, lest I seem ungrateful for the interview. But I am disappointed. I hope she will use me as a source again so I can come right out and ask for a link!

Still on the ever-loving hunt for a ‘real’ job, I did actually have an interview the day before said eclipse. It was for a really sweet position as a break/fix tech for a company that contracts in the state of GA school systems. The job offers not one, but TWO Powerbook G3s, a desktop G4, free internet access, cell phone, pager, company car for all travel and Apple certifications out the wazoo. No word yet. A psychic said she felt ‘very positive’ about it and that they liked me a lot. Put that with the casting and conjuring that I did during the eclipse and that should equal gainful employment, right?

We had an ice storm here last weekend that left us with no power for 2 days. Such misery! We were fortunate to be out for only 2 days–there are actually people who are STILL suffering. The ‘blizzard’ that was supposed to slam us this weekend has totally fizzled out, so now it’s likely we’ll get no more than a flurry. This is very irritating! I hate bracing for something and getting absolutely nada. BAH!

The promised photo essay has been delayed due javascripting snags. I wanted a window to open and center itself for the essay and it has been difficult to find the code for it. The script to open a window is easy, it’s the centering part that seems to be sort of a specialty item. I finally drug myself onto Michelle’s favorite IRC channel and begged for help. I am lucky that I have Michelle to use as a shield against the 15 year olds’ bad attitudes in that channel, otherwise getting help is a real pain in the ass. I don’t think that *all* the guys on this channel are 15, I just think they act like it. The html channel is specifically a help channel, so I find it irritating that the Ops are such assholes to people looking for assistance. The Ops think that the channel is for their personal use and they seem to think that harassing *everyone* who is not part of the clique is cool. So high school. This is why I am very hesitant to use IRC — I’m a LONG way from high school and I have a low tolerance for bullshit like that.

I have an interesting opportunity to do pro bono web design work. This time, it’s controlyourmail.com — another anti-spam nonprofit site that documents spam and sends it to the appropriate legislative people. The site has fair design elements, but the main problem is usability. No navigation, over 10 links on a page, no common links to hold the site together. I hope to begin work on that soon. My ‘pay’ will be links to my site on the pages.

And the last bit o’ news: I’m moving this site to a new, ad-free host! I’ve found f2s.com, a provider in the UK that offers 20Mb of space, no ads, and tons of features like CGI, SQL, PHP and more. They are an ISP and the servers seem to be fast and stable so far. [NOTE: I just tried to upload this and could not log on. Bad, very bad.] The site will be mirrored here for a while, then I’m going to break apart the sites, leaving all the extraneous crap (saris, mehndi, herbs, wicca, etc.) here and setting up the misangela.com stuff there. I think I’m gonna pay Namesecure $25 to forward misangela.com to the f2s.com space (now defunct), so I can get some use out of that domain I bought. Stay tuned!