It appears I’ve fallen into a pit of depression of late. I’ve got a dehisced incision that will not heal, which is bothersome and worrisome. My dermatologist has gone “peace, OUT” and sent me to a wound care clinic. I’m not losing weight. The diet is worse than before the fucking surgery – count, count, count. All in all, not really what I was hoping for when I got the damn sleeve in the first place.
It’s been a month. I know, I know, PATIENCE, GRASSHOPPER. I expect too much, too soon. But it’s like slogging through molasses every single day. I get up, I take meds, I change the dressing, I avoid the scale, I count protein, I count water intake, I choke down food I don’t want, I take more meds, change the dressing, go to bed… A repetitive, endless cycle. I was walking on the treadmill, then I got skin tags removed on my inner thighs, so that’s been out since Tue. All this and not losing any weight is really getting me down.
The depression is sucking the life right out of me. This is a pretty deep low this time. I just want to sleep all the time. I don’t know what to do about it other than ride it out.
I hope that once the weight starts to come off, the depression will lift. If it doesn’t, I may have to go on celexa again for a time. THAT is how depressed I am.
Since the kerfluffle with my supposed “Twin” recently over religion, I feel the need to write a post about my position on religion in general and Southern Christians in particular. I’ll even try to explain my belief system, if I can.
I’m a big Morgan Freeman fan, so when I heard he was doing a series on religion called The Story of God, I set up the DVR. It is a series about ALL religions and their views on god (or gods), comparing the various doctrines. Good stuff.
I know some of you (Twin, YOU especially) feel that I have no beliefs at all – I’m just a raging atheist. Sounds like it sometimes, I’ll grant you that, but that’s not really the whole picture. It’s bible thumper Southern Christians that bring out the atheist in me for sure, so naturally FB makes me anti religion the most often. Truth is, I’ve always been very interested in religion from an academic point of view and I’ve always been a skeptic.
First, let’s stroll down memory lane and I’ll tell you where I’ve been with organised (and not so organised) religions.
When I was a child, my mother took us to a Southern Baptist church – which was odd since she was Methodist. ? At around 6 years old, I was dunked and proclaimed “saved”. At the time I had no idea what was going on, only that I had to get soaking wet and I didn’t like it. We went to Vacation Bible School in the summer and attended church every Sunday.
Eventually, my mother started taking us to her church, Methodist, and we attended regularly. There was a youth group and we did outings and such – it was FAR from religious. My mother tired of going to church, so we stopped going at some point.
In middle school, my BFF Shellee was a Mormon. Very unusual in Knoxville, TN. I went to church with her family a couple of times and was struck by how NICE the Mormons were. I liked the church a lot. But she moved away and that was the end of the Mormon phase.
Then came high school and running wild in the restaurant industry. In 1988, I left Nutsville to come down here and attend the Art Institute of Atlanta (the OLD one that was across from Lenox) and get an AA in Music Business. During this time I explored the Old Religion a little, but didn’t really practice. I have ALWAYS had an interest in astrology and numerology and have always been pretty well versed in both.
While getting my AA, I’d started going to a Catholic church (Christ the King) and I liked the formality of it, but I never converted. Then, I met a Greek guy (Cypriot, actually) and we started dating. I fell in love and wanted to assimilate into his first generation immigrant family, so I began taking Greek lessons and started exploring Greek Orthodox religion. I found it to be fascinating in its pomp and circumstance. Incense!! Fancy smocks!
The romance ended, but my fascination with Orthodoxy remained, so I started going to St Elias Antiochian Orthodox church on Ponce. The Greek church (on Clairmont Rd) was very snobby, so I never wanted to go there. The people at St Elias were friendly and VERY accepting of converts. Eventually I did convert to Orthodoxy and took the saint name Marina. Interesting saint, Marina, read her story here (and learn about the Antiochian branch of Orthodoxy if you’re so inclined). The story of Marina differs between branches of Orthodoxy, by the way. Interesting stories.
For the next few years, I attended church regularly, sang in the choir and celebrated Pascha for the full week like a good Orthodox girl. Religion filled a niche for me in those years. But I eventually grew out of it and stopped going. The patriarchal nature of Orthodoxy started to get on my last nerve. I’m still Antiochian Orthodox on paper.
After Orthodoxy, I returned to the Old Religion (sometimes called Wicca) and began to practice it pretty regularly. I also explored Buddhism and Hinduism. I dallied in the woo-woo side of life, with the psychics, astronomers, hypnotherapists, etc. I also did a stint with Network Spinal Analysis – which worked wonders, I might add.
I stayed with the Old Religion for quite some time. Of all the religions I’ve explored, this is probably the one closest to my current beliefs. I’ve not practised anything for well over a decade, however.
As I’ve aged, I’ve become FAR more skeptical and quite SICK of religion in general. 9/11 pretty much ended my foray into organised religions.
I’m of the opinion that RELIGION is the cause of most human suffering.
Now add the rise of the Christian Right in America and all the trouble it has caused and I’m DONE. Religion is tearing this country apart – as it is wont to do. Southern Christians in particular make me want to vomit. What a bunch of smug, overbearing, bible beating ASSHOLES. It’s appalling. I’m ashamed to be an American. The rest of the world – EXCEPT the Middle East which has been run with sharia laws for decades – thinks Americans are crazy. I agree. How making this a bible beating Christian nation is ANY different than the Middle East is beyond me. And the fact that American Christians refuse to acknowledge that ANY religion that worms its way into government IS THE SAME as sharia just makes me apoplectic with rage. The sheer ignorance of SO MANY religious zealots is shocking.
I once asked the God Botherer ladies (the ones who knock on your door to “witness”) if they’d ever read anything about any other religion than their own or if they’d read the Conversations with God books. NOPE. They had no idea about any other beliefs than their own, which they saw fit to ram down the throats of others. THIS is what is wrong with American religion. Hell, most people can’t even tell you about their OWN religion. Ask a Baptist the history of the Baptist religion. You’ll get a blank stare.
So, bring us to today. Let’s enumerate the various religions I’ve explored:
– Southern Baptist
– Methodist
– Catholic
– Orthodox Catholic
– Wicca
Plus reading a LOT about religions in general. I actually researched Orthodoxy before I joined. I know the history. I’d say that I’ve explored and/or researched more religions than 90% of Americans and probably 99% of bible thumping Southern Christians.
While I do not believe that there is a Magic Man In The Sky (never have), I can’t say I’m wholly atheist, either. I’d say I’m actually an agnostic. I DO feel that there is something. What that something is, I can’t say. I think that there is a universal force that binds us all. I believe that we are one when not on this mortal coil. I believe we are here to further our individual evolvement. I don’t think that anything we do here matters in the big picture. I believe Hitler went to heaven. (Read the first Conversations with God book. It’ll shake up your stale beliefs.) I believe you come back and forth to the mortal coil many, many times to LEARN.
I do have beliefs, they just don’t involve a magic man or going to a building on Sundays. They also don’t involve trying to convert others, being a condescending asshole who “feels sorry” for those who believe differently (Twin) or otherwise discussing my beliefs with others. I shun religious dialog because 99% of the time in this country, it will devolve into a bible beater saying stupid shit like “Well, if there was more Jesus taught in public schools, we wouldn’t have these problems!” RIGHT. And if you dare disagree, then they’ll attack YOU and say “Well, if Angela had more Jesus, she would understand!” RIGHT. You see the problem, here, yes? Bible thumping Southerners just cannot shut the fuck up. They can’t resist trotting out the Baby Jesus to justify their fucked up, backwards, racist, bigoted attitudes. It is repugnant. Therefore, I do not discuss my beliefs on FB or Twitter or anywhere other than here. This also includes silly shit like “I’ll pray for you!!” when someone has a headache. Do Southern Christians REALLY believe that there is a Magic Man in the sky, who has nothing better to do than worry about human headaches? Really? This magical being who created the universe is concerned about ONE HUMAN’S HEADACHE? Or one human’s anything? You people seriously need to read Conversations with God and you need to get over yourselves.
If there is a supreme being, it is more likely to be LeeLoo than some hippy looking white guy and he or she will certainly have no interest in the workings of the various beings grunting out their lives. I say beings because I also believe that we are not the only intelligent life in this big ole universe. And if there is one unifying God, you can bet that she is busy just keeping all the planets spinning and the suns shining. Your mortal soul is of no consequence.
Or perhaps God is a mathematician…
“I have concluded that we are in a world made by rules created by an intelligence”, Kaku says in a video produced by Big Think. “To me it is clear that we exist in a plan which is governed by rules that were created, shaped by a universal intelligence and not by chance.” – Michio Kaku
So, I’m at the end of week three and I’ve been transitioning to more regular foods. No more pureeing, really.
I know this is still technically the puree phase, but I’ve found that getting soft foods and chewing thoroughly has been fine. My Pouchie has given me ZERO grief. I’ve also begun taking capsules without issue. The only time I’ve felt reflux is when I missed a dose of Prilosec, so I DO recommend taking that shit twice a day for six weeks like the Dr suggests. I’ve been cleared to try pills in addition to capsules. They are fine.
I’ve been eating these things**:
– soft scrambled eggs
– cottage cheese
– canned veg, which is already cooked and soft: spinach, rutabagas, greens, beets, mushrooms, squash, carrots and green beans (no peas or corn)
– refried beans (with cheese, salsa verde and sour cream)
– hummus, salmon dip (Ritz crackers are fine)
– meats: braunschweiger, canned chicken, canned salmon which I like more than tuna
– ricotta, which has LOTS of protein: 7 gm per 1/4 cup!
– Spaghettios were digested fine, but they are NOT tasty. Very bland. Tossed it.
– instant potatoes were fine, but VERY filling. Not doing this very much.
– mac and cheese was fine. No issues. Not eating this much, but it’s a nice break from straight up chicken.
– canned fruit (reminds me of my childhood!)
– of course yogurt, the occasional smoothie and protein shakes (which I restrict to ONE per day)
**NOTE: I’m not gorging on any of this. I eat protein first then add in a bit of veg for variety. I know canned veg has sodium, but it’s not like I’m eating much of it. The canned chix and salmon have nominal sodium. I’m listing ALL the items I’ve been trying, but that does not mean I’m eating gobs. FAR from it.
I’ve been averaging about 50 grams of protein a day, and yes, I know that needs to be more like 80 grams. I’m working on it! I’ve found that I can only eat about 1/2 cup straight up protein at a time – slowly. Add to that my complete lack of appetite and it’s hard to get in the protein I should. I try to have straight protein (meat, chix or fish) three times a day, plus one 30gm protein shake. Yesterday I got about 68gm, which I’ll call victory.
I don’t know if I’m an anomaly or what, but my Pouchie has been fine with moving on to real foods. Only occasionally I’ll feel like it’s overworked or too full. I’ve had no puking or pain, just the occasional FULL feeling. Which I suppose is normal. They told me that “irritation” might happen with starting to take capsules, but I’ve had none of that, either. I’ve not been pushing to get back to real foods, I’ve just felt ready. So if I feel ready, I give it a go. So far, so good.
I don’t really know if my overall experience is typical or atypical. The surgery wasn’t bad, I didn’t have gas pains, I did not take pain meds after I left hospital, I’ve not had any stomach issues, all my incisions are healing nicely except one that is lagging behind. I’m not even at week three and I’m almost back to normal. Is that weird? I’ll have to ask Veronica. RE: Veronica says YES that I’m an usual case, so keep this in mind when comparing yourself to me.
Since I feel like I’m a bit of a quick mover, I’ll again give the caveat: Your Mileage May Vary. I can’t say whether anyone else will have such an easy time or will move along as quickly as I have. Just listen to your body and go with the flow.
I was in the horse showing business briefly in the late 70s. I think it was 78-79 or so, which would’ve made me 13-14. Sounds about right. Might’ve been 77, since I remember Seattle Slew winning the Triple Crown. This is a story I can’t believe I haven’t written about before! It was a big deal in my life and it cemented my feelings about my family and their dysfunctions. Much of it, I simply cannot remember – probably because I was so confused and unhappy.
To set the stage, let me first explain my family’s logic when dealing with pretty much anything. They truly believe that ignorance can be overcome with money. If you don’t know about ______________ (insert subject), then all you need to do is buy the top of the line stuff having to do with that subject and you’ll magically know all you need to know about it and be successful at it. They’ve done it many, many times over the years with anything from horses, to restaurants, to cars, to guitars. Not joking. Knowing this proclivity, let me tell you the tale of my sad stint in the horse showing business.
As most teen girls, I loved horses. We had two old nags at the house, so I’d been around them a bit, but I wanted to show horses, which the nags couldn’t do. So, in true Pratt fashion, my father goes and finds an expensive, pedigreed greenbroke 2 year old gelding named Hyline Scooter for me. I think this horse cost $3000 – a LOT at the time. And of course, he had to have a custom built trailer to go with the horse, which was another $5000 at least. And I had to have a show saddle, so we drove from Knoxville to Germantown TN (Memphis) to purchase a saddle for around $1500. I have no documentation or pix of this time period, so all prices are from my less than stellar memory. I’d ask my mother, but this whole incident is never spoken about because it shows their stupidity.
Anyway, my parents spend all this money on my whim – remember, I’d never shown a horse, been to a show or anything – and find these sketchy ass trainers in Loudon TN, where my horse was boarded and I would go every weekend to train. Or so they told my parents.
What actually happened was I’d go down there to ride my horse and they would not let me. They told me I was fat and didn’t know how to ride, so I had to ride the other horses until I was more capable and/or lost weight. Which made sense to me at the time – it never occurred to me that 115# was NOT too much for a horse to carry. They just used my insecurities against me. Apparently my parents never checked up to see what was going on down there and they didn’t know I could never ride my own horse. But I’m certain I told them about it, so I guess they just chose to believe the Embertons’ LIES rather than my accounts. Since they were completely ignorant about horses and showing horses, they put 100% confidence in these horrible people rather than, say, INVESTIGATE what was going on.
They “trained” me to show Scooter at halter, which means stand there and let the judges look at the horse. Halter competition is strictly about the horse’s looks and conformation, it has nothing to do with the person holding the lead. But I nonetheless accepted this as OK and showed him at halter.
In the meantime, the Embertons (Jeri and Milton), were beating the shit out of my horse and were generally abusive to all the horses in their care. They’d tie them up and beat them, put them in “bitting rigs” (which is basically tying the horse’s head to its side in full bridle and saddle) and leave them there ALL DAY, and they’d ride them for hours to exhaust them. The Embertons were horrible people and I’m glad that Milton died about 10 years ago at 58. I hope it was a painful illness. I can’t find that bitch Jeri, sadly, but I hope she dies painfully as well. They were abusive to the animals and to me.
The Embertons would not let me ride Scooter, but I could groom him and pet him, which he loved. He was the sweetest boy. Which is why it pisses me off SO MUCH that they beat him. They also drugged him. At one show, he was disqualified because he tested positive for a sedative. Of course the trainers denied it (!!), but that was the beginning of the end of my horse showing.
I only went to one season of shows all in the E TN region. Very little actual showing for me. Milton rode Scooter in Western Pleasure, but I don’t think he won anything because Scooter hated him and wouldn’t comply.
So finally my parents got the idea that the Embertons were using my horse for themselves and not letting me near him, so they confronted the Embertons about it. A fight ensued and we ended up in court. I remember being called to testify and being very nervous, but that’s all I remember about the hearing. The dispute was over who owned the horse. Apparently the Embertons had filed for ownership papers with the AQHA (American Quarter Horse Association) and used their influence to get the papers without any of us signing him over. So they showed up with ownership papers and the judge ruled in their favour. Of course my father blamed the judge and said he was bribed. Nope, it was IGNORANCE that screwed that pooch. I’m sure we could have won a real dispute – after all, I HAD the ownership papers for Scooter, but that would require logic and confronting the AQHA, which my parents were too ignorant to know how to do.
All this is my parents’ fault, of course. They were completely ignorant of the horse showing business and assumed that buying top of the line stuff (horse, trailer, etc.) would ensure my success. Truth of the matter is that the Embertons knew a patsy when they saw one and they totally stole that horse, knowing they could get the papers changed at the AQHA, which is a bunch of asshat good ole boys.
All I got out of it was a year or two of cleaning out stalls, riding nags and a couple of shows. And lots of bullying about how fat I was and how bad a rider I was. I’d never ridden much, remember. My mother was “shocked” when I reminded her of this abuse years later – even though I’m sure I mentioned it at the time.
The Embertons gave us back the saddle, bridle and show halter, but kept the horse. They sold him for a tidy profit, no doubt, since he was now 4-5 years old and in his prime. I’ve asked the AQHA for his records, but I doubt those assholes will give them to me. As I said, I don’t have a single pic of Scooter or me when I was showing. Shows how much my parents thought of it.
I was devastated by this whole drama. I just wanted my horse and I wanted to ride him. But thanks to my parents’ inability to ADULT, this period of my life was pretty horrible. I felt like it was my fault because I was fat and untalented. Only with the distance of years and wisdom, I can now see that this is just another in a long line of SHIT experiences brought to me by my fucked up family. They don’t mean to be abusive, but their ignorance just lends itself to constant abusive neglect.
I still love horses and maybe I’ll get one if we retire to the desert. I enjoy horse racing immensely and I’d bet on all the races if I didn’t live in buttfuck GA. But my attitude towards trainers and the AQHA are: they can eat a bag of dicks. I know there is abuse a plenty in the racing industry (Jeri and Milton were from Kentucky and had been race horse trainers) but I really don’t think that racing itself is abusive to the horses. They are made for running and they are at their most amazing when they are running. I get emotional watching horses race just from the sheer beauty of it.
I know that Hyline Scooter did become a very successful show horse after the Embertons sold him. I remember seeing a blurb about him in the AQHA book. I hope the AQHA will give me a copy of his records, I’d like to know how he did. I wish I had pix of him, he was a beautiful horse. I can’t believe that I don’t have a single pic of us. Not one. My mother probably threw them away, knowing her. Sigh. I cannot find any pix or records of Scooter via the web. Records from back then are scarce.
So that’s my career in horse showing. It was short and painful. I hope the Embertons rot in hell for doing that to a 14 year old girl. As for my parents, eh, it’s just another in a long list of shit they gave me. They are paying for it now with horrible health, dementia and overall malaise. Of which I have no part. And I’m FINE with that.
The next two weeks (3-4) are listed as “pureed foods”. The main difference here is that now you can have real protein that is pureed, like chicken or whatever. I never did lick that bacon, but it’s still on the table…
I’m trying out foods to see what will work for me. There is a ton of conflicting info out there about what foods should be in this period, so I’m just trying various things out to see what will work. Seems to me that pureed foods and soft foods are very similar. Anyway, I’m your guinea pig!
I’ve tried these things with success:
– turkey chili blended, about 2/3 cup
– soft scrambled egg, one
– hummus, 2 Tbl
– cottage cheese, a little sketchy (those curds), so I got the next item:
– ricotta cheese, 1/2 cup, which works fine (it’s like ravioli filling w/out the pasta!)
– pimento cheese, chewed thoroughly, only a Tbl at a time and watch out for those pimento skins!
– canned chicken, blended (I made it taste like chicken salad!) one can = half cup
On deck for further trials, I have canned ham, canned roasted beef and canned tuna. I’m also going to buy some pâtés (blended meats, man!) such as braunschweiger to see how those go. My actual printed plan from Mexico lists potted meat as a choice (!!), but I think I’ll pass on that shit. It is ALL FAT. Gross. I tell you, dieticians are CRAY. The amount for that potted meat is ONE CUP. Which is like 4 cans. WTF? Most of the meals listed on the plans are around 2 cups at a sitting. Um, how is that possible with a 5oz pouch? Stupid, stupid shit, folks. This is why I’ve made my own plan – which is working beautifully, I might add. NEVER be afraid to use your brain and find a better way.
The biggest difference with these proteins is the volume you can ingest. NOW the volume restrictions are really kicking in. One egg and I’m full! LOVE IT! Half cup of straight up protein and whoah!
I’m also using Premier Protein shakes, recommended by my friend Sheri. They have 30 gm protein in 11oz. I’m averaging about 65gm protein a day right now and I’m working to up that number to 80gm. Being able to eat real protein helps! One can (1/2 cup) of chicken is 22gm protein. The challenge is getting it all down in one session!
I’m taking my supplements:
3 gummie vits (dose is two, but it’s not enough and I may increase to 4)
2 calcium chews (dose is one, but that’s only 50%)
1 sub lingual Vit B12 1000mcg, which is a huge dose – and appropriate for bariatric!
I need to add in the iron. That is on deck for this week. I’ve never had anemia, so iron is not something I’d ordinarily take. I found a vegan one for children that is easy on the stomach since iron is usually nausea inducing for me. Bleh. Iron will be temporary unless I have anemia at the six month point.
Still on prilosec, twice a day until week 6, per the doc. I’ve asked about when I can go back to taking capsules, I await the response. I’m guessing the six week mark for that, too.
I’ve had no issues with Pouchie**, other than being careful not to overfill with protein. I hope we continue to have a positive relationship. He has begun demanding beer – oh, the Irish bastard! :)
**My stomach is now called Pouchie. He is Irish and mostly cooperative. :P
