I started off the weekend liking the drizzly rain – but now I’m over it. This is why I can’t live in the Northwest. I’d end up a puddle of goo on the sofa. A couple of days is all I can take of grey, damp drizzle. Ugh.
I’m in a period of complete and utter standstill. It happens after traumatic events, so it’s not unexpected, but I hardly need MORE demotivation in my life. I barely accomplish anything as it is.
As Moanday stretches before me, all I can think to do is go back to bed. Which is not particularly industrious. It’s not like I don’t have things to do. I just don’t want to do them. Including the evil exercise to keep the weight gain at bay. I had lost almost 20# but I’ve gained back a couple from the illness and subsequent lethargy. 20# ain’t gonna cut it. I’ve got 50 more just to make a dent. It’s daunting and I’m so tired of fucking dieting. It’s all I do. Day in and day out, I count calories and diet. I’ve done this for years. I can look at food and tell you its calories and fat/carb breakdown. But it doesn’t seem to make any difference. The only thing that will is working out for an hour every single motherfucking day and then I lose about 1# per week. It’s really not very motivating to lose ONE fucking pound. ONE. After exercising every goddam day. My calorie intake is around 1400-1600. I’m destined to be fat, I think. And when I think this, it seems silly to count calories and exercise every goddam day. What is the fucking point?
The fact of the matter is I’m old, I’ve always been fat and now that menopause and even LOWER metabolism is on the horizon, I just don’t think I can get ahead of it. I’m not cut out to be a gym rat. I DETEST exercise. It is a massive act of willpower to even do the treadmill, much less Jillian or Kathy on top of it. Especially when I know, deep in my heart, that it won’t do any good. I’ll be a fat old lady. I know this. Most of the women on both sides of my genetic code were fat old ladies, as I will be.
Ugh. Whine, whine, I know. It’s just a grey day and MADE for whining.
I’ll stop now and go put my fat ass on the treadmill. For what good it will do. Bleh.