My City Lies In Dust

But, whoa, oh, your city lies in dust, my friend
Whoa, oh, your city lies in dust, my friend
Your city lies in dust
– Cities In Dust, Siouxsie and the Banshees

Long time no post. I know. I have finally hit the wall with the burnout and have closed down for the most part. It’s what I do when I reach this point: I shut down. And BOY have I shut down this time! I let it go way too far and I’m done. I’m dust.

This burnout started in May with the two conventions back to back. I knew it’d be hard, but I underestimated the long term effects of all that. June was consumed with catching up from May and Nick was occupied with sorting junk for the SFGE sales, which was last weekend.

I hit the wall Wed night, as did Nick, I think. My reaction to all this bullshit is to shut down. His is to drink too much. I drink too much, too, but the shut down usually halts the drinking for me. In any case, Thursday was rough; I did nothing but eat junk, sleep and watch movies. I don’t think I spoke at all that day. Yesterday (Friday), I had to do TEV errands, but after that, I again did very little. We had leftovers for dinner and I had a little sake, in bed by 10.

Only to be rudely awakened by our idiot contractor at 6:50am, demanding his check and thinking he can start running jackhammers at 7am in a residential neighborhood on the fucking weekend. He cannot. BUT, OF COURSE, I had to look this up, since a PROFESSIONAL – with the goddam internet in his hand!! – cannot be bothered. And I really didn’t want a noise ordinance ticket from Tucker.

This is the root of my burnout and general dissatisfaction with humanity right now: I am sick of doing all the work for everyone who is too lazy or ignorant to use the goddam resources available to solve their own problems.

I am tired of doing all the logistics for stupid fucking games and stupid fucking JUNK that needs to be gone.
I am tired of doing all the problem solving for, well, everyone.
I am tired of being the rescue system for so many.
I am tired of being broke.
I am tired of being rejected from even menial jobs because I won’t sign my life over for P/T.
I am tired of the constant struggle just to survive.
I am tired of not being able to help Nick at all with his shitty job and low pay.
I am tired of being tired.
I am tired of this burnout that seems to have no end in sight.

I’m sure there’s more I can whine about, but that list will suffice for now.

I know that things are not that bad in the big scheme of things. We have a place to live and are mostly paying our bills. All the credit cards are maxed, but hey, it’s the American way, right? We are healthy (bodily, anyway, mentally? not so much) and so is the cat. The fucking Ranger is patched up and working for now. The driveway is being fixed by an annoying, clueless contractor, but fixed nonetheless.

So I guess I should just SHUT IT.

And I will. But I think I’ll take this weekend to get over myself and start fresh on Monday. Nothing else to be done. I’ll do some cooking and perhaps mix with the neighbors for a bit for their Annual Bourbon Party. I doubt I’ll be able to put up with people for long, but it’s an opportunity to cook and have some good bourbon, so go I shall.

Guess I’ll just take this dust and make bricks. It’s the only way to go forward. On to the next thing.