Dealing with Long Term Disappointment

And I do mean LONG TERM. As in: over two years. Close to three.

When we decided to take the plunge and do a bankruptcy a couple of years ago, we did it because we wanted a fresh start. Financially, it worked! We paid off the last of the long term debts, the student loans, and we are 100% debt free. That’s great, yes! But personally, we are still stuck as hell.

We are stuck here in this house that we no longer own. We can’t just stop paying the mortgage because technically the loan was discharged with the bankruptcy. BUT since we kept paying, it didn’t actually go through any sort of foreclosure. If we stop paying, Wells Fargo can toss us out immediately if they choose. We are in a grey area. The reason we kept paying them is because $750 for this place is cheaper than rent would be. And we thought it’d be just for a year or so. HAHA!! It’s tough to live here and not continue fixing the place up, but that’s the way it’s gotta be. I suppose when we eventually do stop paying is when WF will foreclose. Not sure about that. You can’t ask the bank because all they know is that we’re paying on time. That tells you how jacked the system is when you can have BOTH a loan discharge entry AND a paying on time entry on your credit report. ::sigh::

Speaking of credit, Nick’s is coming along nicely. Mine is still in the mud. Meh. It’s hard to raise those numbers without a job on record. I was supposed to start my kitchen training, but that has yet to materialise. I don’t know what to do about it. I am, after all, asking for a favour from R, so I don’t feel right pushing him to start training me. I’ve done all the work he’s asked me to do without pay with the understanding that I’ll get training in exchange for it. I’m frustrated that he’s not coming through for me. I’ve given him several chances to back out and I wish he would back out rather than leave me hanging.

Stalled. Like everything else in my life.

In the meantime, I’ve got things such as an elderly cat that won’t eat and won’t pee in the litterbox (thank gods for peepee pads), hair that’s worn out pink and roots, a fat ass that won’t respond to dieting, a husband who has some sort of chronic illness that keeps reappearing, insomnia and massive amounts of boredom and depression to keep my mind occupied. Yes, it is as LOVELY as it sounds.

I drift through my days, rootless and aimless.

Without the carrot of THE MOVE dangling in front of me, I’ve lost all will to do anything. I feel defeated although I know intellectually that it’s all just setbacks and we’ll achieve our goals eventually. But I don’t HAVE unlimited time. I’m almost 50 for fuck’s sake! FIFTY!! GAH!! And what have I done with my life? Precious little. I feel like a fat middle aged failure.

Hiya, Fear and Loathing™, my old friends. Howya doin’?

Die in a fucking fire.

We are both SO OVER IT. I’m sure it’s worse for Nick since he’s got that random illness that keeps popping up. At least I don’t have that to deal with on top of my fear and loathing. I worry about him A LOT. I hate that my fatness has led to his fatness. OY! The frustration!

Aaaand here we are. Still. This whole situation is maddening. I feel like time is running out. Hell, maybe I *should* go to culinary school? Beats sitting on my ass. Gods.

I can’t even think straight.

I guess I’m not really DEALING with the long term disappointment at all, am I? We managed to pull ourselves back from the brink of alcoholism last year when we realised we were drinking 1.75 litres of wine a day. And we stopped smoking. Well, Nick did, I still smoke a little bit, but a fraction of what I was smoking. I guess that’s progress? But everything is still stalled. Badly.

So, if ‘dealing with’ this frustration means not being alcoholics and not selling everything and moving to the South of France, then I guess we are dealing with it just fine. But if you raise that bar even a fraction, not so much.

Reading Revolutionary Road (which is all about 50s angst) is probably not helping this situation, either.

This has been an unfocused, whiney post. My apologies. Heh, not that anyone will read this anyway. FB has pretty much killed blogging, which is just another thing I have to WHINE about. :P

I hope everyone ELSE has a lovely weekend – especially those of you lucky enough to be at SDCC. We’ll be here, simmering in our Fear and Loathing™.

2 Replies to “Dealing with Long Term Disappointment”

  1. I read your blog. I still love you, my whiney friend.
    Yes, you should go to culinary school. Your talent is cooking, and you know it. Whatever you cook turns into a gourmet meal.
    Everything could be worse, you could be a dwarf…..

  2. Here I am. Listening to every word as you get it off your chest. You are NOT being whiny. I have several friends that have been through bankruptcy. It will get better. xoxo

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